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Quoth the friendzoned, f**king whore: Edgar Allan Bro takes on a Nice Guy with an ax

Careful with that ax, Eugene

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I‘m not sure who drew the cartoon above, depicting the travails of a long-suffering “nice guy” as he tries to break down the emotional wall put up by a woman he has a crush on an obsession with.

It’s been floating around the internet for a while; on Twitter it’s been accompanied with the mocking caption: “A rare picture depicting the day to day life of our brothers in the friend zone.”

I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is. The pastel colors and delicate lines don’t save it from its inherent creepiness; if anything, they make it worse. Why is this dude so determined to tear down the wall his unfortunate crush is working so hard to construct? What’s he going to do once he breaks through, murder her with his love ax?

That last question isn’t even a joke, really.

Earlier this month, the cartoon was posted on the awesome blog A Good Cartoon, an ongoing catalog of cartoons that are not actually good at all, where it got the epic takedown it deserved.

One commenter asked:

how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim

Another added:

I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*

But it was someone called Digital Discipline who offered the ultimate retort, in the form of a poem (“The Craven”) by Edgar Allan Bro:

Incessantly, I heard a smacking,
as of some entitled dipshit whacking,
whacking on my chamber door.

Resignedly, I placed another layer,
voicing a quiet, repeated prayer,
“This dude thinks he’s a player,
but I am not a point to score,
he should f*ck off and bother me no more.”

Quoth the friendzoned, “F*cking wh*re.”

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

H/T — @catmara73

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Rafe B
5 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger & Scildfreja

https://digitaldiscipline.tumblr.com/post/154482159921/sorry-we-hunted-the-mammoth-folks

😀

and a fresh kitten:
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Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

ursonsrgreatnerd

utus

eudthusunpaunt

lol?

I need a read on this, Jack.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

Well, the “u” and “i” are pretty similar but I didn’t think I botched them THAT badly…”u” has three circles, “i” has two.

Otherwise I think I misspelled something in the first line that I don’t remember and misspelled “did” in the bottom because I didn’t think to double check this. (I had to decipher it myself to see what happened.)

There was some stuff I intentionally misspelled for room but STILL.

My god, the second cipher must be RIDDLED in misspellings, jesus.

EDIT: Oh, the hint to the second cipher is in this thread, quite plainly.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
5 years ago

@Viscaria

Thank you.

There’s an image stuck in my head, of someone pointing an accusing finger at me like I’m that kid who won’t eat his veggies.

“Don’t you know there are people with the same mental illnesses who live in America ?”

Actually it’s not stuck anymore, because it was a while ago and I’ve spent that time writing and deleting what basically was some kinda rant about depression and Trump and how I’m being selfish and some dumb shit.

Now I’m trying to say something witty instead, but I got nuthin.

Half an hour later : “Hey, at least some of them have legal medical marijuana !”

There. As good as I can do tonight.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

“Don’t you know there are people with the same mental illnesses who live in America ?”

This feels…weird. It feels so weird. I mean, in America you here people always using other places as “worst off” so you feel grateful but now…I mean, that’s just weird using America as that.

But, as always, those kind of excuses are bullshit. You’re allowed to feel depressed no matter where you live. Take it from me, a queer-ass American, you’re not being selfish at all. You’re being very not-selfish, in fact. The person saying that is just being a big jerk.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/67720de6e6b6b73f6a513625d4499428/tumblr_inline_nmob9ktzuh1rn41oj_500.gif

Take care of yourself.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Sinkable John

Things kinda suck everywhere, but there are also people everywhere who are willing to help you. Exhibit A, right here.

@Handsome Jack

ursonsrgreatnerd

itis

nidthisinpaint

lol

Also, the hint to the following lies in my avatar:

cmeii ldi vwvf ypslxjwt sjh tepd eqsci sceaj

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

Yes, that’s it! You know, barring proper formatting.

Now the question is will you find the second cipher using the hints in this thread? Dun dun duuuun.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Handsome Jack

but will you find mine.

FreddyMurray
FreddyMurray
5 years ago

I remember seeing an illustration on tumblr similar to this, where the woman is saying that she won’t let herself get hurt again and the man is claiming that he’s “not like other guys.”

Any of you guys know what I’m talking about?

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@FreddyMurray

Pretty sure that the showcased piece is a ripoff of the one you mentioned, and one that misses the point dreadfully.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

Wait, correct, the method to find the second message to decode is in the thread. The cipher is also used in Gravity Falls but you need to figure it out after that.

Also, I’m guessing the key is either Wes or rose or some word used during the William Carter puzzles because Don’t Starve but then again I’m really bad at this kind of stuff.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Handsome Jack

It’s one of those. Just give it a whirl. The message is quite important to you.

also i’m not sure whether you’re talking about a plaintext message or the one with ford in it

Falconer
Falconer
5 years ago

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Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

Oh, I should have said how to find the second message is in the thread, not the second cipher. I mean, there’s a message in there you need to decode but you have to find it first. It’s pretty obvious.

Aunt Podger
Aunt Podger
5 years ago

The image has been bopping around Pinterest for a while, pointing out that, ack, boundaries and axes being a bad tool for wall removal. Here is the somewhat-unwieldy non-bannered version. I’m sure I’ve been ninja’d, but a skim is not making it visible.
comment image

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

Wow, really, Troubelle? Really?

Really?
comment image

Here you go, ya goof.

(I’m so glad the hidden message is super dumb now and probably full of spelling errors wow.)

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Handsome Jack

8D

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

You still haven’t found the second message, though. So take that.

Weird (yeah, it CAN happen here) Eddie
Weird (yeah, it CAN happen here) Eddie
5 years ago

Hey, all!!

I got a story about being ziendfroned…

A couple years ago, I became “smitten” with a lady friend whom I had known for a couple years… we were good friends, went to museums n concerts n talked pinko politics n y’know, did friend stuff. Being smitten, I figured the best course of action was to ask her if a romantic relationship would be to her liking… (alright, I got somewhat poorly developed social skills, but that seemed to be the best course of action) anyway, she said no. Now we go to museums, concerts, talk pinko politics, y’know, do friend stuff.

I dunno, maybe I’m missing something, but what the fuck is so HARD (or so wrong, or whatever the MRAsses complaint is) about that approach???

ETA: I mean, she is a friend, why would I want to give that up??

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
5 years ago

@Jack & Troubelle

That was just me self-blaming and trying to pretend it’s sarcasm, to be fair. I was looking at it more like, if I lived in America, I’d be a fucking wreck right now. So here I be joking to myself with a new version of the old “don’t you know”. I mean half* of what’s causing me pain right now is what’s going on over there, and I don’t even live there !

Now, someone with similar issues, but living in the country where it’s happening ? The thought is just terrifying. Disregard for a moment that yeah, France is headed there too, we’re just gonna be a few months late to the big party.

*This is where the selfish comes in, the other half. It’s dumb old personal shit – but it still somehow affects me more than the Orange Menace. Probably only because, again, I don’t live there.

I’m just really bad at dealing with all of it, or even talking about it (as you can see from how long it takes me to write a few sentences) or even just trying to put meself together and actually do something. So instead I make unfunny jokes rehashing “children in Somalia” because hey, nothing says “everything’s fine” like self-blame with a touch of relative privation fallacy.

Sorry I mean, I know you’re trying to help, and you can’t imagine how thankful I am for that – but I’m terrible at this whole “help me help you” thing. Like… there’s a part of me screaming “YES” but another is saying “Yeah, nah, look, everyone’s got much more immediate troubles right now, let’s focus on that instead” and each is pulling in its own direction and brain goes “pop”. The amount of self-reflection it took for me just to point that out to myself was pretty scary. Then the effort it took to actually write it was of another kind. And that’s if I don’t delete it before I’m done posting this, or edit it afterwards.

Also I’m pretty sure I don’t make any sense, ’cause the lack-of-sleep-induced-sorta-drunken-like-state is probably not far off now. That’s actually the fun part of insomnia though.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Sinkable John

I’m too tired to come up with something more profound, but to put it more simply: vent all ya want. It’s what we’re here for, and we’re happy to help ya find solutions.

@Handsome Jack

Is it the Morse thing? Do you just like calling me a yuge nerd?

Aunt Podger
Aunt Podger
5 years ago

(Very quietly: this “commentary” was the “epic takedown” referred to in the original post. Ouch, cruel brain, will you never stop wandering off?)

Weird (yeah, it CAN happen here) Eddie
Weird (yeah, it CAN happen here) Eddie
5 years ago

@ Sinkable John:

That someone else may have it worse doesn’t negate your struggle.

I try to keep and develop an attitude of gratitude (note, that’s MY moonbeam, and I’m not suggesting it will necessarily work for anyone else) and I’ve had good success with it. Still it only goes so far, and right now shit is piling up faster than I can lay it off. I understand. There’s people here who care, and all I can offer is a shoulder, but I’m here for you.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Sinkable John

I get it. I have problems expressing my own feelings a lot of the time too and accepting help. But your problems are still important, reguardless, and if you need to talk about it and can get yourself to about about it, please do. No problem is too small to talk about and there’s more than enough of us to talk too. Not talking about it isn’t gonna make it go away, anyway.

Is it the Morse thing? Do you just like calling me a yuge nerd?

I just like calling you a nerd, but you are close to the solution.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
5 years ago

@Handsome Jack

One more hint. I’m tired, mumbly, and waiting on a virtual cat to come home from an expedition.

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