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#gamergate block that metaphor jordan owen sarkeesian! whaaaaa?

The Reviews are in! The Sarkeesian Effect is a hit with one incomprehensibly pedantic critic!

If you like the Higgs bosun, you're going to LOVE The Sarkeesian Effect!
If you like the Higgs boson, you’re going to LOVE The Sarkeesian Effect!

The reviews are in!

Well, at least one review is in.

In a 5000 word review essay that is perhaps too charitably described as “rambling,” military obsessed blogger Freiherr Karza von Karnstein explains why he loves The Sarkeesian Effect so much.

While his, er, argument is too convoluted for me to summarize in a brief blog post, I have taken the liberty of extracting some sentences from it that I think would work well as blurbs to use on The Sarkeesian Effect’s DVD cover and in other publicity efforts.

I have also taken the liberty of adding exclamation points to all of the possible blurbs below to give them a little extra zing!

Specifically and concisely, I do not see government participation in business and tariffs/sales taxes as irrevocably evil, but rather as tools that can be useful, and I do not share Rand’s disdain for sacrifice, a behaviour common to many aviation and racing pioneers and a behaviour common to winners of the Knight’s Cross, the Grand Cross of Valour, the Victoria Cross and the Medal of Honour!

Yes, that is an actual sentence from the “review.”

On another note, I disagree with Mr. Owen on the biological necessity of “manspreading!” He has argued that “manspreading” is necessitated by the fact of male anatomy! Males have dominated the ranks of airborne troops the world over since the 1930’s! Paratroopers are trained to keep their feet, calves and knees together when they are about to make contact with terra firma, since “manspreading” one’s lower limbs will lead to fracture of at least one lower limb on impact, a situation which tends to be prejudicial to the proper functioning of a paratrooper! Not all males need to manspread! Only airborne-unqualified/airborne-incapable males need to manspread!

That one might be a teensy bit long for a blurb, sorry!

Specifically, while most Englishmen, it seems, have surrendered their right to fly the Union Flag without a fight, this is definitely not true of the Loyal Protestants of Glasgow and the rest of Lowlands of Scotland (the sheep-molesting animists once referred to as “Highlanders” but properly referred to in 2015 as Teuchters are another story altogether) and of Ulster, all of who are consistently putting up a hell of a fight to maintain the Union and the Union Flag!

Ok, while that is an actual sentence from the review, it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the movie, or Jordan Owen, or anything even vaguely related to either. I’ll try to do better with the next blurb.

In this regard, The Sarkeesian Effect is essentially a 2015 cinematic version of Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen and the Boyne, of the First Day of the Somme!

I don’t know what on earth that means, but it does at least mention the name of the film, which is good, right?

Mr. Owen was right to do onto the manosphere element of the production what King Hussein did to the PLO in 1970’s Black September!

Hmm. That might be a little confusing. Maybe we could shorten it to just:

Mr. Owen was right … !

Let’s try another:

Twenty years ago, I remember Neal Knox trying to instigate a coup against NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, a coup that was halted when Soldier of Fortune editor/publisher Colonel Robert K. Brown, an NRA board member, publicly declared his support for LaPierre and condemned Knox!

Sorry! That one, which is also from the review, doesn’t seem to have any obvious connection to the film, so let’s forget it.

The Manky Bheasts are people who, in the time of Jane Austen’s novels, were quite likely to be hanged for stealing chickens or shoes, who, in Downton Abbey, would be footmen and stable boys like Barrow who knew their place and knew to only be heard saying “Yes, milord, no, milord!”

Crap. That one might not work either. Not even the exclamation point I’ve added can save it.

In objective reality, Canada is one of the lesser of Her Majesty’s Dominions, less important that Belize, the Falklands and Fiji!

Well, that might not work as a blurb for The Sarkeesian Effect. But it could be put to good work by the publicity departments for Belize, the Falklands or Fiji!

Let me try one more:

Long story short, when the Manky Bheasts and other feminists/SJW’s launch their video Alpha Strikes against Mr. Owen and The Sarkeesian Effect, know that they are coming at this with an agenda and a sierra-load of biases, unlike those who confirmed the existence of the Higgs-Boson particle!

I think we’ve got it!

There’s your blurb, Jordan!

You’re welcome!

 

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Some sort of username
Some sort of username
6 years ago

Wait, there’s a feminist alpha strike against The Sarkeesian Effect coming? Does anyone really care about it that much? Surely a single video is all that’s needed to sum up the train wreck.

Bonelady
Bonelady
6 years ago

So, do you think that this guy actually watched the video?

SamBarge
SamBarge
6 years ago

What did I just read?

I know that is not a very intelligent response but I genuinely don’t know what that was about. I will not read 5000 words to find out though.

Also, Canada kicks Belize’s, Fiji’s and the Falkland’s asses before breakfast.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
6 years ago

AlFromBayShore/Stranded In Babylon/Thomas Hobbes/Chaucer Conspiracy Dumbass wrote this, didn’t he.

nohoneymoon
6 years ago

@Bonelady errrr….no.

Maeotan
Maeotan
6 years ago

This sounds like some sort of Markov-chain twitterbot or similar machine-written text. Sentences that bear some resemblance to those before and after them, but have no relevance to the film, nor greater meaning of their own.

Catalpa
Catalpa
6 years ago

…manspreading was brought up in the film? Why? It has nothing to do with gaming or with Ms. Sarkeesian.

…It was used as an example of how vicious and unreasonable SWJs are against the poor poor menz, wasn’t it.

patti roberts
patti roberts
6 years ago

OK, how the heck did the Higgs Boson, Fiji and Belize get involved. I won’t mention the Falklands…they are very pertinent. …somehow.

Bina
6 years ago

Specifically and concisely,

…begins a sentence which is neither specific nor concise, and which has fuck-all to do with the subject at hand, too.

Also, what is up with all those fucking exclamation points?! Was he yelling when he typed all that???!!!

pecunium
6 years ago

Wow. I am agog, my ghast is flabbered, my gob has been smacked, verily I am awash in a sea of feels.

I think (maybe) the Enniskillin, Boyne, Somme references are trying to say that a massive front has been opened in the battle against something. They are terrible examples. The Somme was a fruitless shitshow, Derry was a failure, and The Boyne was a victory which undid Ireland’s chance to remain independent: in that Brian Boru had created a High King of authority, but not had time to consolidate any means of running a Gov’t past that of charisma, and those who followed him sought the title, but had no infrastructure to run a gov’t and so never managed a coherent nation state. As a result when England wanted to impose her will there were any number of factions she could play off against each other, and (like Caesar with the Helvetii) use that foothold to take over.

All of which is an accurate picture of the MRM, GG, and the like (well apart from being organised enough to get themselves wiped out as happened on the First Day of the First Battle of the Somme); loud, disorganised, bleating about valor more than pursuing competence and coherence.

Der Frieherr may be the reviewer the Mansosphere needs!

Ben
Ben
6 years ago

Even as a devotee of militaristic culture and history, this dude’s compulsive digressions into utterly irrelevant and yet somehow still slightly toxic minutiae about modern warfare and the British Commonwealth are baffling. His whole blog’s like that, too. I’d almost agree with the guess about Markov chains, except that I don’t want to think about someone who runs a blog simply to let a machine post nonsense about libertarianism and Men’s Rights.

Monzach
Monzach
6 years ago

For some reason I doubt that the good Freiherr von Karnstein is a part of the German nobility. For one thing the name is taken from a rather well-known piece of vampire lore (the novel “Carmilla”), and for another the writing style is just…terrible. Yes, terrible is the only word to describe it. Basically, what I’m getting at here is that this “review” is just about perfect for the dreck that is “The Sarkeesian Effect”. Long may they continue to fester in the oblivion.

I hope I wasn’t too mean, though. I’d hate to do something as…uncouth as that.

Flewellyn
Flewellyn
6 years ago

Never, in the field of human discourse, have so many said so much about so little.

Lani Kai Akers
6 years ago

G’damn, I love this one. Nice work.

ronanwills
6 years ago

Now I’m really curious to know what the flying fuck British unionism, Irish history, class relations as depicted on TV and the discovery of the Higgs-Boson have to do with both each other and The Sarkeesian Effect, but I’ll be arsed if I’m going to read the whole thing to find out.

Chayanov
Chayanov
6 years ago

tl;dr:

I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

Biot (on a different browser this time)
Biot (on a different browser this time)
6 years ago

A little Wikipedia work on his “Derry, Aughrim,” and such passage turns up that Derry, Aughrim, and the Boyne were battlesites of the Williamite War in Ireland, fought from 1688 to 1691 between supporters of the Catholic King James II (the Jacobites) and the Protestant Prince William of Orange (the Williamites). Enniskillen was a focus of Williamite resistance in what is now Northern Ireland and was near the site of another battle. The ultimate result of this war was either a continuation or a confirmation of British and Protestant rule over Ireland for the next two centuries.

Why is this relevant to this guy’s review? It isn’t. If you couple this part with the bit about the Union Jack, though, then it just shows that he’s a Unionist or a supporter of the Unionists in Northern Ireland. Above all, he’s a fan of hearing himself talk.

Biot (on a different browser this time)
Biot (on a different browser this time)
6 years ago

AUGH

I was comprehensively ninja’d by pecunium.

AUGH

RoscoeTCat
RoscoeTCat
6 years ago

Wow! Only thing I can think of…was he trying to hit keywords, or something like that???

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

Actual footage from inside this guy’s head:

Halo Jones
6 years ago

Oh. Dear. God. I’m from Northern Ireland and, with a heavy heart, I think I can clear up some of that word salad for you.

Around 2 years ago, Belfast City Council voted to only fly the Union Jack from city hall on certain days of the year, rather than every day. This would bring City Hall’s practise into line with the rest of the U.K. As this is Northern Ireland, this was met with weeks of rioting, resulting in hundreds of thousands of pounds of property damage but thankfully no loss of life. You can see where this is going, can’t you?

The reference to “Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen an the Boyne” is a lyric from a Loyalist marching song called “The Sash”. Quite why he’s bringing it up in relation to the Battle of the Somme, in which thousands of Northern Irishmen of both traditions died is beyond me; I suppose it shows that his grasp of history is as shaky as his idea of what constitutes cultural critique.

Anyhow, I don’t think I’ve commented here, so hello! I’ll try to be less tldr next time.

Fruitloopsie
6 years ago

I don’t get ‘man spreading’ if you need room then you shouldn’t sit and take so much room. Be a gentleman, have some manners, have compassion and respect yourself and others and leave some space for everyone and also you wouldn’t be able to stand because your legs would be closed unless you’re standing or walking like this
http://slism.com/wpsystem/wp-content/uploads/is-he-flirting.jpg

Earl
Earl
6 years ago

@Bina: I think David said he put in the exclamation marks for, like, emphasis or something. I can’t confirm this with 100% accuracy, because no way in hell am I reading 5000 words of that dreck, and giving that guy’s blog another pageview.

freemage
6 years ago

Specifically and concisely,

My inner editor reacts to this phrase just like my inner SJW reacts to the words, “I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic, but..”. I just know that whatever follows will not be in the same ballpark, nor even the same sport, as “concise”.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

A libertarian wrote a rambling, incomprehensible, and pretentious tl;dr? Surely you jest!
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Johnny-Depp-Shock.gif

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