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The Semen Thief: One Semen-Obsessed Redditor's Search for Answers

They do real so hard.
They do real SO HARD.

The Redditor who goes by the name vlodia has what can only be described as a unique set of interests: Stocks. Diablo. Leaked celebrity nudes. Anonymous browsing. And semen.

And while vlodia seems to keep most of his semen-related inquires confined to porn subreddits like r/tipofmypenis, he recently wandered into the Men’s Rights subreddit to ask about a semen-related quandary more serious than where to find “Videos Featuring A Guy Cumming Really Fast After Blowjob or Handjob?”

In his Men’s Rights posting, vlodia asked the subreddit’s legal whizzes just what a decent regular fella like himself could do to protect against false rape accusations in three distinct scenarios – one involving a girlfriend with a secret “agenda against you,” another involving a spiteful one-night-stand, and one involving an especially devious false accuser that vlodia calls The Semen Thief.

Yeah, let’s just skip ahead to that one.

Scenario 3: “The semen thief” — a woman paid a hooker to seduce a man, specifically instructing her to have sex with condoms, so [the hooker] can bring the semen-filled condom to the woman so she can put some in her vagina as a proof she was raped by this guy. When the woman was examined by a doctor, it was proven your sperm was positively inside her. As it turns out, this woman who is charging you happens to be your acquaintance through work. How can a man fight back against this charge?

The assembled Men’s Rights Redditors generously offered their hard-won wisdom on how best to handle these scenarios.

Thementallyillclam urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

thementallyillclam 4 points 20 hours ago   AVOID all intimate/personal contact with women. They are, in general, delusional LIABILITIES. At least in the US. You will be far better off WITHOUT them (and their COSTLY wastes of YOUR time, energy, and resources at minimum on STUPID crap THEY "think" is meaningful/worthwhile) in your life. They are PROFESSIONAL VICTIMS, "NOTHING" is their fault! If something doesn't work out, it's ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. Be warned, in their delusions YOU ALWAYS OWE THEM!  I didn't even have to read your scenarios. Just HEAD the OTHER way!

Lazlounderhill, by contrast, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women.

lazlounderhill 2 points 16 hours ago   Scenario 1: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 2: MGTOW level 4  Scenario 3: MGTOW level 4

MetaMGTOW suggested a rather inventive strategy to help vlodia avoid all contact with women.

MetaMGTOW 1 point 8 hours ago   You obviously put quite a bit of thought into these scenarios!  I can only offer a possible pre-emptive protection strategy: Wear tidy & clean but slightly shabby clothing. If you do this you can get away with wearing decent shoes as they won't trump the shabby clothes. Don't shave more than once every few months and don't be afraid to grow a soup-catcher. Whenever women need to be interacted with, effect a high-camp voice and pout. Seems to work quite well at keeping 'em at bay in the first place, i.e. the only way to stand a near-perfect chance of avoiding your scenarios. As u/lazlounderhill said below, L4-OW if you need to eliminate all risk...

Mtersen, meanwhile, urged vlodia to avoid all contact with women. Or at least all women working at upscale clothing stores. And then to flee the country.

mtersen 3 points 17 hours ago   After working at a upscale clothing store, being the only hetero male with female and gay male co-workers, this is not surprising. I witness girls joking all the time that "if their man didnt do this, i'll tell the cops he raped me" and learning about 2 female associates who would fuck rich older customers if they bought clothes for them from the store (the old guys would buy the clothes, give them to the girls, and this also helped the girls reach their sales goal), and listening to my gay managers say "i hate all theses girls, their just a bunch of lying cunts, fucking and lying to get whatever they want, im glad i went gay" IM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. The store was Express, and Express for men.

Though I hate fo find myself agreeing with Men’s Rightsers on anything, I too would recommend that vlodia avoid all contact with women.

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gilshalos
7 years ago

I also am a MYOS. Today I made a ham and salad sandwich on my own cheese and onion bread!

(OK )

gilshalos
7 years ago

Oops! Code mess up!
That bracketted OK, should read – OK, bought mix in a breadmaker bread. I am slowly working my way up to making handmade bread from scratch!

Nick Kavanagh
7 years ago

The Express bullshit didn’t happen. No gay man says “I’m glad I went gay”. They didn’t go gay, they are gay. It’s not a lifestyle or a choice, it’s human sexuality.

Puddleglum
7 years ago

@fruitloopsie, I also dislike the comparing of these asshats to kids, mostly because it’s a) a diss to kids and b) a cop-out. It’s like ‘boys will be boys’. All the ‘nope’ to that.

Puddleglum
7 years ago

@Nick & others. But would a bisexual MGTOW say ‘went gay’? That scenario wouldn’t shock me.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I truly think MGTOWs don’t comprehend that gay men are genuinely gay. I think they see it as the ultimate escape from women. These people love to project.

seraph4377
7 years ago

@ Irene – it’s not recommended, to the point that some condom packages themselves say don’t do it, but plenty of people do. Rather risk plugging the pipes than leave them to be found in the waste basket, I guess.

katz
7 years ago

“The Semen Thief” sounds like the title of an extremely misguided YA novel.

strivingally
7 years ago

Level 4: Economic disengagement

The MGTOW refuses to produce more than is strictly necessary for his individual survival. He will limit actions that are punished by taxation without jeopardising his way of life and acceptable standard of living.

So the MGTOW Level Four is basically “I never grew out of thinking Ayn Rand was an awesome visionary, and also I would def totes be at the top of any Objectivist paradise”.

Also the idea that you’re somehow aiding The Great Feminist Conspiracy by paying taxes is fucking hilarious. Because obviously, taxes have never ever paid for anything for the benefit of men. Honestly, I don’t even know how these guys brain.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Or maybe a Anne Rice novel about a succubus/incubus…

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

SA: So the MGTOW Level Four is basically “I never grew out of thinking Ayn Rand was an awesome visionary, and also I would def totes be at the top of any Objectivist paradise”.

Nope – Level 4 is an *excuse* for being a lazy bum holed up in a basement playing video games instead of working.

“I’m not wasting my potential – I’m adopting a political stance against feminazis!”

Kevin K
Kevin K
7 years ago

Wow. The perfect answer. See…we’re not that different, after all.

Kevin K
Kevin K
7 years ago

@Irene…my last female companion (OK, I’m having trouble with this…what’s the correct term for what was formerly known as “girlfriend”?) worked at a sewage treatment facility. She was actually in charge of some pretty cool stuff involving PCBs.

Her office was in the same facility where the flushed stuff came to be processed. And they had special “catchers” — not just for condoms though, because you wouldn’t believe the stuff people send down the crapper.

So yeah, not biodegradable, but definitely flushable. I always flushed mine and she never told me not to…so I’m assuming she was OK with it. But grease down the trap? No way!

Hellyeah
Hellyeah
7 years ago

“Whenever women need to be interacted with, effect a high-camp voice and pout.”

I am crying from laughing so hard. Oh man, I am getting too old for this shit.
Imagine how there are or at least how one guy is doing that because he has to interact with a woman. Hilarious! I’m inclined to believe that method gets him more women friends than he’d liked 😉

contrapangloss
7 years ago

If you live in a coastal city, or a city where wastewater is processed and put into the watershed, please do not flush the condoms. They often get shredded and torn apart in the pipes and in wastewater plants during processing, but it puts plastic remnants into the water system. Plastic in the oceans is a big deal, contributing to seabird and marine turtle deaths.

(okay, some plastic becomes microhabitats, and it’s a little hard to tell exactly what is going to get used as what. Still, overall plastic is a net bad, to the best of my knowledge.)

Save the turtles!

Toss those suckers in the trash and ensure the trash makes it into a secure landfill or waste processing place!

*poofs off in a cloud of marine biology righteousness*

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

ej:

The guy is the one wearing the condom, so he’s the one who will be disposing of it.

If these guys’ personal hygiene is like Roosh’s, I wouldn’t bet they’d dispose of it at all.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Level 5 MGTOW: Manvana.

Aaaaand leftwingfox wins the thread.

vaiyt
7 years ago

Level 1 MGTOW: Realize women are terrible people out to enslave men.
Level 2 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 3 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 4 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 5 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 6 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 7 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 8 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 9 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 10 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 11 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 12 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 13 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.
Level 14 MGTOW: Share increasingly fantastic stories about female perfidy on Reddit.
Level 15 MGTOW: Evangelizing the terrors of women on feminist websites.

Repeat as needed.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Is there a prestige class for this?

Puddleglum
7 years ago

No, but you can multiclass with either MRA or PUA (trying to mix all three gives you no advantages).

Fibinachi
7 years ago

If you’re doing GURPS, you just combine “Bad Temper” with “Hidebound” and “Fragile: “Ego”.

HJ
HJ
7 years ago

If only they would give up on women. They would not be missed!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gmZ4RJp5GQ&w=854&h=510%5D

GodlessK
GodlessK
7 years ago

So the international Femmunist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids has decided to just steal them instead?

GodlessK
GodlessK
7 years ago

Ha! NOW I see the tags. Great minds, they say…

Skye
Skye
7 years ago

Combining all three can reduce your charisma to a permanent 0

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