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Men’s Rights Redditors defend a guy who says he punched his sperm-stealing girlfriend

Potential spermjacking victim.

So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.

Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend

had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.

Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.

And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:

I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.

Emphasis mine. He continued:

I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.

She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.

Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:

You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE

Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.

Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.

But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:

HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:

NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.

Others offered their heartfelt support:

And suggested that they would have done the same thing:

One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.

Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.

I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.

A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.

EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.

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Miaminice
Miaminice
10 years ago

He could have gotten her pregnant in spite of the condom (they’re not fool proof), and then what? Would he then have to kill her? Would the MRA advise him to leave the country and only deal with foreign hookers from now on?

I’ve heard these same creatures argue against abortion because the woman “only cares about getting an orgasm and not the consequences”. Schizo.

Creative Writing Student

I’m reading this, and when I get to the scene with the woman stealing the condom and yelling, all I can think is “is she twirling her moustache and tying you to the train-tracks as well?”

Podkayne
10 years ago

Me and my boyfriend JUST had a condom break on us. I’m not personally worried about pregnancy because of it but that silly incident followed by reading MRA discussions like this? With words like ‘strict-liability-juice’ in them? Make me want to douche with lye.

OTOH these posts often seem to have great band names in them. Strict Liability Juice could be one!

cloudiah
10 years ago

This did NOT seem real to me. But I love the idea of squirting hot sauce into your used condoms. I wonder if other condiments would suffice.

Question of the day: How do YOU season your used condoms? I fill mine with kimchi!

hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

I don’t believe a word of this guy’s Very Bad Day. Complete bullshit.

Maya Lovelace
Maya Lovelace
10 years ago

What a charming story. It’ll put the kids to sleep instantly.

darksidecat
10 years ago

Contacting a lawyer after you commit an assault is actually a good idea. Don’t talk to the cops and definitely, definitely do not go and lie in court (this is called “perjury” and is totally also a crime).

Also, I love how incredibly gullible mras are. She just takes it and announces she’s going to make a baby? XD

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
10 years ago

Are we sure this person wasn’t blatantly trolling the MRA subreddit? Because I’m really not buying the idea of Snidely Whiplash in a dress stealing condoms out of the trash.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
10 years ago

I’m curious as to what a man would have to say that he did to a woman to get negative reactions on that forum. Disembowel her and eat her entrails?

Derek
Derek
10 years ago

Well feminists have staged murder dance parties because a man was reading a news papers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw-Pvo2UINc so until you cover all the feminist violence against you like to ignore. Well you and your masters are just spoiled children wanting more privileges after all women have 97 sex based privileges to men’s 46.

hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

What’s wrong, Derek? Not getting enough attention shitting on one thread, so you’re taking your act on the road?

Derek reminds me of EN with his drive-by stupidity.

Ithiliana
10 years ago

@Derek: after all women have 97 sex based privileges to men’s 46.

Oh, NUMBERS! You astound my widdle lady brain with numbers.

Citation needed, please!

Rutee Katreya
10 years ago

That was an ad for a play dude. There’s a reason you i diots stopped bringing it up. And the play had nothing to do with murdering men.

Also, seriously, learn to communicate well. As a fan of language, your illiterate keyboard mashings irk me.

Rachel Maud
10 years ago

I’m sure this is something that MRAs would LIKE to believe actually happens in the real world… not sure I understand why they want to believe this, but then again, I don’t spend every minute of my day seething in hatred and rage.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
10 years ago

Derek sounds like he needs to slow down on the caffeine.

cloudiah
10 years ago

Hey everyone! I just saw a guy reading a newspaper, and you know what that means! Look for your evite to my world-famous murder dance party, complete with 7-layer dip and mojitos! Oh, and in honor of Valerie Solanas, it’s a ZOMBIE dance party:

Ithiliana
10 years ago

I googled variants on 97 and 46 sex based priviliges, and nothing came up.

*props chin on hands and stares compellingly at Derek*

So where’d those numbers come from?

hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

Awesome, Cloudiah, I’ll bring some queso.

Maya Lovelace
Maya Lovelace
10 years ago

Well feminists have staged murder dance parties because a man was reading a news papers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw-Pvo2UINc so until you cover all the feminist violence against you like to ignore. Well you and your masters are just spoiled children wanting more privileges after all women have 97 sex based privileges to men’s 46.

Unlike MRAs who are really just entitled white male supremacists who feel “oppressed” for no longer having complete control over everything.

Rutee Katreya
10 years ago

Is good writing a feminist plot? I don’t understand why these idiots can’t write; I’m not sure there is a single competent writer in the manosphere!

cloudiah
10 years ago

@Rutee How dare you?!? Paul Elam is a MASTERFUL writer, he says so himself and he couldn’t do that if it weren’t true.

/sarcasm

princessbonbon
10 years ago

But I love the idea of squirting hot sauce into your used condoms.

I know a guy who has done this. I told him women do not want his babies that badly. No really, no one does.

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
10 years ago

Are we sure *Derek’s* not just trolling? 😛

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