Paul Elam complaining that the media treats him like the terrible person he is.
If you’re a regular, or semi-regular, or even just an occasional reader of this blog, you need to stop reading this post right now and read Buzzfeed’s astonishing expose of A Voice for Men’s Paul Elam instead.
SPOILER ALERT: He’s an even bigger hypocrite than you think he is.
Here’s the link. Right here. Click on it now. Click. Now. Click.
If you need a bit more convincing: Buzzfeed’s long and meticulous examination of alleged “men’s human rights” activist Elam, written by Adam Serwer and Katie Baker, delves deep into Paul’s often sordid personal history, including his drug use, his numerous failed marriages, and the alternately depressing and infuriating story of the daughter he abandoned, who forgave and reunited with him as an adult, and who is now estranged from him again.
As Serwer and Baker make clear, the story of Elam’s life makes many of his most fervent claims about alleged female irresponsibility and the evils of the family court system seem a tad, well, ironic. As the two note, Elam.
preaches the gospel that men’s failures and disappointments are not due to personal shortcomings or lapsed responsibility, but rather institutionalized feminism and a family court system rigged against dutiful fathers, as well as a world gripped by “misandry,” or the hatred of men.
But his own story, to put it as gently as possible, does not exactly support this particular narrative. Serwer and Baker note that
interviews with Elam’s ex-wives and daughter and newly uncovered court records shed light on a man who, they told BuzzFeed News, has depended on and emotionally abused the women in his own life.
For example, although Elam compares the family court system’s treatment of fathers to Jim Crow, he abandoned his biological children not once but twice. Although Elam says that “fathers are forced to pay child support like it was mafia protection money,” he accused his first wife of lying about being raped so he could relinquish his parental rights and avoid paying child support.
His ex-wife [Susan] and his daughter said he has only been able to make A Voice for Men his full-time job because of the women who have supported him throughout his life. …
“He sits there taking all these people’s money and all he’s doing is sucking them dry,” said Susan. “That’s what he’s done all his life — to say it’s the woman’s fault, and not make men look at their own mistakes.”
Seriously, go read it. Here’s the link again.
We’ll talk more when you’re done.
Tina — I like to think she just came from a great family, such that when she got pregnant, and Elam pulled the “you weren’t raped, and it might not be my kid” shit, her parents said “you don’t need him, we’ll help you raise Bonnie”. And Elam, being Elam, wanted to give up custody, so Susan went “you’re right, he is a jerk, thanks for making sure your granddaughter never has to know him”.
In short, he wanted to give up his rights, and is an asshole.
Sometimes the best solution is to get the unwilling partner out of the picture entirely. Elam doesn’t seem to be a child oriented person. To put it mildly.
One of the things I learned at the VA was how many ways being in the military can trigger someone’s latent mental illness. Another was how many ways the military has for disavowing any responsibility or culpability for it.
Isn’t it a funny thing? They have an unlimited budget for weaponry and imperialistic jingoistic bullshit…but as soon as the physical and mental casualties start piling up, they cry poor.
And people wonder why I’m a pacifist…
I remember reading that the VA was trying to pass PTSD off as a preexisting personality disorder.
The first thing I got out of Buzzfeed’s article is that Elam would rather have shit himself to death than listen to a woman.
I think I speak for many people who wish that his mother had let him do exactly that.
I know this wasn’t directed to me, but I have to say that, yes, him using being hit by his mother with a wooden spoon–if it even happened–to justify a lifelong contempt for women is fucking hilarious. Of course child abuse is not funny. No one is saying it is. But using past child abuse as an excuse to advocate and encourage hatred and violence against women (or any group of people) is laughable. Lots of people have been abused but have enough common sense to realize that not everyone should be punished for what their abusers did. Paul Elam is a hateful, childish, narcissistic prick who would just as soon see every raped and dead in a gutter. So please forgive me for having no sympathy for poor Paul. /rant
Thank you, wholeheartedly.
It was a difficult decision to agree to do this article. It took me over a year to agree to do the interview and I was not compensated for doing it. Nor did I want to be.
As you may imagine, I have been (an still am to some extent) carrying around a bit of baggage from growing up without my biological father, only to find out there was an exceptional reason for that, despite my curiosity and willingness to forgive. Even harder when you figure out that person, that’s half-responsible for giving you life, is a spearhead of a divisive and abrasive movement.
After reading through all of the comments, here, regarding the article that dropped via Buzzfeed, it’s hard to process, but I would like to address a few of your common concerns, directly.
1.) “crying like a baby” was meant to be humanizing. It was an indicator of acceptance and a sadness over previous years we missed out on. Not meant as an insult.
2.) I am humbled and grateful for the amount of genuine concern regarding my mother’s and my safety, and the safety of women in general. That was one of the factors that weighed heavily on our decision to interview. Here we are almost a year and a half later, and we are fine. We are glad we made the decision to tell our story.
3.) For those that were uncomfortable reading the article, I can empathize. It was uncomfortable. Buzzfeed did a good job, considering.
I really appreciate the work being done on this site and I wish there was a way to properly articulate what it means to me.
All best,
Bonnie