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dude you've got no fucking idea what you're talking about misogynatomy vaginas

“Turn that beaver frown upside down” with this advice from freelance vagina expert “Dr. Derek”

picture of a smiling beaver
Thanks, Dr. Derek!

When a guy begins his vagina advice with the phrase “listen ladies” you know you’re in for a treat. Well, feast your eyes on, and ruin your dinner with, this open letter to the (cis) ladies of the world from self-appointed vagina expert Derek. Sorry, Dr. Derek.

Listen ladies.. I'm not trying to be vulgar here.. Just truthful, being the expert I am on female anatomy -_-- 
But I just wanna give you a tip for the day.. 
Now I know most of you smell lemony fresh down there, but considering I just delivered 5 tubes of vaginal yeast control cream last night to a house.. It had me thinking.. 
If you're pooter and penis purse smells like the local Fair's "Farm animal" tent... Or like the bottom of a McDonald's dumpster.. And you're constantly getting that oh so embarrassing itch down there where ya gotta do a scratch n sniff check on yourself every other day.. Only to get home and swandive into a bathtub filled with 268 bottles of Summers Eve "extra strength" for her... 
It's because you're eating too many damn carbs, gluten and sugars.. cut out the snack food, stay away from the white sugar, flour, breads, and cakes.. And instead drink more water, eat a diet higher in healthy fats like olive, coconut, sesame, and avocado oils with some
green vegetables at least 3 times a week.. 
And you'll turn that beaver frown upside down in no time, instead of walking around with 5 pounds of cottage cheese in your brand new $200 Victoria's Secret underwear that ya just bought for your big date.... And have to throw away now... Cause that's no fun for anybody! 
As always, Dr. Derek is here to help..

I have two questions:

  1. What the holy fucking fuck?
  2. Shouldn’t’ you be eating fruit and vegetables more than three times a week regardless of the state of your downstairs area?

Any-hoo-ha, I’ll leave that question for the real experts, Dr. Derek not included.

H/T — The NotHowGirlsWork subreddit comes through once again.

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Elaine The Witch
Elaine The Witch
3 months ago

@Snowberry

From my understanding it’s reasons like that, that the merkin was invented.

A merkin is a pubic wig before anyone googles it.

Bakunin
Bakunin
3 months ago

@Cyborette
A friend of mine had her peritoneal pull thru last year, and her reports are it’s self-cleaning but not self-lubricating

GSS ex-noob
GSS ex-noob
3 months ago

@Elaine: Maybe this guy is unaware that undies can be washed. I bet he doesn’t launder his anywhere near often enough.

@Correction Automatique: Are we sure he’s approaching willing vaginas NOW? Maybe they’re willing only insofar as they belong to prostitutes with bad personal hygiene.

@WWTH: I didn’t even catch that! I had a couple pairs of VS panties which I got for free. They were almost worth it. Took the coupon, held my breath against the terrible store perfume, bought plainest cotton, and threw them out pretty quickly because they fell apart in the wash (I needed a string bikini to wear with my fabulous gold lame outfit, so since I don’t use that often, the panty quality was irrelevant).

@rabid rabbit: Perfectly good joke by me! Both douches and men like this are extremely bad for people who have vaginas, so I think the double meaning is correct.

@LouCPurr: He’s probably a DoorDash or Instacart driver, and so that’s his sum total knowledge of women and their parts. The lady in question probably bought a multi-pack because it’s cheaper, or they were out of singles. Or there are several women in the house and she/they stocked up while the stuff was available.

Or a trans woman who is getting all the sex. Pretty sure she wouldn’t be scenting it lemony, though, just lubing it with something unscented.

@Tim G: that picture is ludicrous. Here he’s fondling a penis substitute and managing to look even less manly and more dorky. I too have shot big weapons at a gun range, but looked less ridiculous because I had the sense not to wear business casual and someone else’s tacticool helmet. And why is he wearing night-vision goggles in a brightly-lit indoor range?! That’s not how any of this works! Those benzos and coma really did more damage to his brain than we thought. Can’t wait till he pulls the trigger in that position and breaks a rib. Full-auto weapons kick like mules.

.45
.45
3 months ago

@ tim gueguen & GSS ex-noob

I don’t have any experience with full auto weapons, but the first center fire rifle I ever shot was a Mosin Nagant, so I kind of laugh whenever anyone describes anything in .223/5.56 as “high-powered” or words to that effect. Efficient at killing people does not equal powerful or big in my opinion. Sorry.

That aside, I would be willing to give Peterson the benefit of the doubt here. That picture makes me think of a bunch of guys clowning around on the range.

“Here, wear my helmet.”

“Oh yeah, I’m totally SEAL Team 6 now, baby!”

“Hold still, I’mma take a picture.”

Now, having said that, I assume the next thing that will happen is he’ll be in the news for tagging a rival on Twitter with a caption reading “This is what a man looks like” as some kind of cheap intimidation attempt, completely undermining said benefits of doubts.

Elaine The Witch
Elaine The Witch
3 months ago

@.45

my husband recently took his 16-year-old brother to the gun rang for the first time. Taught him how to shoot and all that. He did pretty good. Especially for a child having a strict marine breathing down his throat about respecting the tool he was using.

Peterson look far less competent as a man, then that 16-year-old boy shooting his first rifle.

(No offence, brother-in-law, if you somehow read this. You did great. I’m proud of you)

occasional reader
occasional reader
3 months ago

Hello.

> Queen of the Harpies & Snowberry
Thank you for your explanations ! It is interesting that the term meaning in slang change depending on the country : in France, it can be the designation of a penis (because of the “tail” of the beaver), or it also found in the “baiser comme des castors” (f**k like beavers) as a meaning of having a lot of sex.
Languages are fun !

Have a nice day.

Battering Lamb
Battering Lamb
3 months ago

@Cyborgette & Bakunin: Thanks for the insights. I know some are self-cleaning (not every method) and where one gets the plasty also makes a difference (dutch hospitals use a different method than german ones for instance).

Prith
Prith
3 months ago

Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver (about neither Wynonna Judd nor Winona Ryder) — Primus, 1995:

Wynona’s got herself a big brown beaver
And she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came Lou with the old baboon and said
Recognize that smell?
Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats Taco Bell.

Now Rex he was a Texan out of New Orleans
And he traveled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he’d take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick and he grabbed him by the kiwis
Now he ain’t pissed for a week. (And a half!)

Now Wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair.
Now the beaver once slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.

Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it occurred to her
She might have a porcupine.

Last edited 3 months ago by Prith
Queen of the Harpies
Queen of the Harpies
3 months ago

@Alan

Lol, thanks, maybe one day in the future this will come in handy.

@Snowberry

I figured the beaver’s fur had something to do with the pubic hair, but it just seemed like an odd choice. Maybe because they’re often wet? By comparison, clams/oysters make a bit more sense. Humans sure do come up with a lot of euphemisms for genitalia and sex, don’t they?

@Buttercup

And “penis purse” is added to the list of my least favorites. You can just feel the smug condescension oozing from it, like so many other misogynistic insults.

@Prith

So I’m not the only one who thinks of this song occasionally when I hear the beaver slang.

A few things puzzle me if it’s supposed to be a euphemism, though. It went to sleep for a week? Ladybit problems? And then it tried to bite and it might actually be a porcupine instead? Vagina dentata? I don’t even know. A sort of amusing song nonetheless.

Alan Robertshaw
3 months ago

@ .45

“Here, wear my helmet.”

“Oh yeah, I’m totally SEAL Team 6 now, baby!”

Funnily enough, SEALs tend not to wear helmets.

When they do, they wear a ‘bump’ helmet, which is essentially just a cycle helmet; rather than the big kevlar things troops normally wear.

comment image

That makes sense. The nature of their work means they’re far more likely to bang their heads on a doorframe than be up against shell frag.

GSS ex-noob
GSS ex-noob
3 months ago

@Elaine: Last time I was at the range, there were several middle-aged housewives for whom it was their first time handling firearms of various sizes. And they looked more competent and more manly than that picture.

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