By David Futrelle
Hey ladies! I mean, hey New Age MAGA ladies with long hair who love Trump and hunger for tantric sex with extremely picky 68-year-old men who probably won’t skin you alive and eat the skin, have I got a man for you!
His name is Reverend William, and he describes himself as “a healthy 68. … a natural-born U.S. citizen residing in Los Angeles, California,” and an “intense, complex man who thinks waaay ‘outside the box.'”
And he’s not kidding with that last bit. In order to find out just exactly how out of the box the good Reverend is, his would-be lovers have to make their way through an 11-question compatability questionnaire without stepping on any land mines along the way.
I managed to fake my way through the quiz after several tries. While it’s not hard to guess his preferred answers to most of the questions (hint: he doesn’t like fat or disabled ladies or anyone with short hair), the religion question may throw you for a loop.. SPOILER ALERT: He’s not looking for a Jesus-Freak-in-the-sheets but for someone who thinks Buddha and Krishna are equal to Mr Christ and who has been around the block a few times, by which I mean you need not only to believe in reincarnation but also to have some good stories about your previous lives to share with him.
It’s only after you plow through the quiz that he truly lets his freak flag fly. After a 5-minute video in which he mostly babbles about “resonant frequencies” and how important it is for two people to have, literally, good vibes with one another, he starts to spell out what he’s really looking for in a lady:
I am on a serious quest for a Republican Tantra Goddess. She is a fabulous, intensely passionate, emotionally mature, spiritually evolved woman of tremendous power and deep integrity.
Also, in case you forgot, no fatties!
As a Republican, she loves, trusts, and wholeheartedly supports President Trump.
I’m not sure what role Donald Trump will play in the Tantric sex, but I am quite positive I don’t want to know.
She knows her great and sacred value as a Goddess and seeks a man who is genuinely worthy of her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually. As a Tantra Goddess, she longs with great intensity to completely surrender herself to him as he worships her in every moment, including worshiping her sexually and lifting her into prolonged states of exalted ecstasy. I want her to unite with me in an awesome romantic/sexual relationship leading to a magical marriage.
It’s at this point that things start to get REALLY weird.
She and I will create a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership through which we will uplift the lives of large numbers of people (I see millions globally).
The Reverend takes a few moments to go over some more of his physical preferences and features before moving on to explain what the fuck he’s talking about with this whole “uplifting millions of people through Tantric boinking and Trump” thing.
I am 6 feet tall (183 cm). I would like to be taller than you, including when you wear heels. I have excellent posture and would like the same in you.
You dress and groom yourself beautifully. …
I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious university. I am well educated in science, mathematics, music, education, business and law.
Ok, now let’s do the whole Divine Tantric Uplifting the World Thing:
My Goddess and I will create a magnificent partnership to which we each contribute our personal strengths, energy, talents, skills, maturity, knowledge, wisdom, resources, dreams, vision and goals to create effects vastly larger and more beautiful than the sum of what we could otherwise individually create.
I see our partnership doing great things to uplift humanity and reduce human suffering. I would like us to do this together. To the greatest extent possible, I want us to work together, play together, do spiritual practices together and sleep together:
Best friends, business partners, spiritual partners and lovers.
Never before has the word “lovers” felt so icky. Not even during those old SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch.
You’d think he might leave it at that, but t turns out he’s got several gazillion more words of stuff he needs to say about himself. Let’s just skip to the highlights, such as they are:
I am intensely sexual.
There’s a shock.
My sexual journey in this lifetime has taken me into the core of my Being as a man… into the God Presence within me. This has been a profound, deeply spiritual journey—at times extremely painful, at others ecstatic. .. my greatest pleasure is worshiping my goddess by giving her prolonged, repeated, explosive, full-body, female experiences. …
Love those explosive female experiences!
I have strong but uncommon feelings about animals. First, I love them—from a distance. Physical contact with animals drains my energy.
I don’t even want to know.
My two greatest living heroes are my spiritual Guru and Donald Trump. … Incredibly, on top of the benefits I have personally received from Mr. Trump (which I will explain when we meet), he is now President of the Unites States!! No-one of such immense greatness and deep devotion to God has occupied the White House since Abraham Lincoln!
He’s also got GOALS. Eight of them, to be exact, including Number 2:
Introducing tremendous Light into the computer industry by repositioning it onto a spiritual foundation with our new IT platform.
And of course Number 8:
Transforming population paradigms into the Light. This planet can sustain a vastly larger human population than its present seven billion people—perhaps even a hundred billion people. The unseen reality is that as many as a trillion souls are waiting on the other side of the veil for their chance to incarnate here for the human experience (and hopefully avoid the abortion butchers). With our help they and we can all fulfill our divine destinies.
He’s got pages and pages more of this stuff, highlighting (among other things) his “Weaknesses and Challenges” (“Some people hate me and ridicule me”); “Character References from Women Who Know Me Well” (but that all sound like they were written by him); and “Politics” (he’s a conspiracy-minded right-wing libertarian type).
I’m going to skip all of these pages, because honestly my brain can’t take much more of this, and I doubt yours can either. I guess I’m just not ready for a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership. Maybe next life.
H/T — Vice’s Anna Merlan, who brought the attention of the world to Reverend William with a recent tweet
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
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