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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Very Belated May 2014 Edition

Le chien, so chic
Le chien, so chic

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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kittehserf
7 years ago

Puddleglum, love the new nym!

Ally S
7 years ago

Shiraz, I’d be down!

And kitteh, you are definitely not the only awesome Mammotheer here, but I really appreciate all of the things you have said about my dad. I admit that sometimes the things you have said about me have shaken me up a little, but not in a bad way. You’re one of the few people I know who has no hesitation in calling out abusive people. A lot of the things you’ve said have challenged even my own apologetic views about my dad. But more than that, they have validated my own feelings about his abuse. I know we’re pretty far apart and have only talked to each other on the internet, but you and many others have more for me than you can imagine. šŸ™‚

Ally S
7 years ago

“have done* more for me…”

cloudiah
7 years ago

Ally, so glad this is a place where you feel safe and supported!

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ally – thank you so much for that. I’ve never known if I was stepping over the line saying those things. He’s your father, not mine, and sometimes I think I’m veering too close to “you ought to do this or that” stuff. I’m really glad to hear my ARGHRAGE helps.

Lotsa hugs!

Ally S
7 years ago

Lol, I’m kind of a blubbering mess right now. It’s a good thing no one can see my face. X_X They just see a pensive 90s manga teenage shrine maiden ghost instead. Anyway, I doubt this feeling of peace and security will last for long, but this kind of thing is happening more and more frequently. I really am getting somewhere for once. It’s so exciting.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Blubbering + peace + security = pretty damn okay. MOAR HUGS.

Ally S
7 years ago

:: accepts hugs ::

You know, my mom just entered my room, and after she left I hugged her and said “I love you” for the first time in weeks. That kind of thing might sound trivial to most people, but since the age of 15 I have identified my willingness to express love for others as directly tied to my current mental state. In other words, that kind of thing means a lot to me.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ah, Ally, being willing to say “I love you” isn’t a sign of a poor mental state (is that what you meant, or that others won’t say it unless you’re in the “right” state of mind?)

Being able to say and show you love … that’s strong, not weak, or fragile, or mad, or anything bad.

kittehserf
7 years ago

PS forgot to add, I know you know this stuff intellectually: I’m doing positive reinforcement here. šŸ™‚

Ally S
7 years ago

Oops. I meant to say that, the more I accept myself and feel at peace, the less afraid I am to express love for others verbally or otherwise.

kittehserf
7 years ago

That’s cool; given your family, the idea that one witholds saying “I love you” wouldn’t have surprised me, though it was my second thought. I just wanted to clarify.

Yeah, it’s a lot easier to say it when one doesn’t hate oneself or feel afraid to do so. /statin’thebleedin’obvious

katz
7 years ago

Ally, I’m just glad to have been able to help at all. It makes me so happy to see you moving towards a happier place! (And, btw, you did all the hard stuff by yourself, seriously.)

wewereemergencies
wewereemergencies
7 years ago

Ally yay for happiness and moving forward!! Obviously your thank-you didn’t apply to me since we’ve had like one conversation and I think I mucked it up a little (sorry about that), but you seem like a fantastic person, so I’m super glad you’re feeling good at the moment.

contrapangloss
7 years ago

Ally, you are AWESOME!!! šŸ™‚

Glad you’ve found support, and an enthusiastic WHOOO for being able to say ‘I love you’. Feeling safe enough to do that is a great, great, good thing.

hrovitnir
hrovitnir
7 years ago

I am so glad you feel you’re making real progress Ally. You deserve all happiness.

I definitely understand how hard it is to say “I love you”; you are brave and wonderful.

Ally S
7 years ago

@wewereemergencies

I forgot what I even got upset about. I’m pretty sure that I’m cool with you now though since I usually remember when people double down, refuse to apologize, etc.

@katz

(And, btw, you did all the hard stuff by yourself, seriously.)

I don’t mind admitting that other people’s support has been vital to doing that hard stuff. I mean, obviously I’ve done some things on my own, but it takes a lot for me to overcome anxiety and depression. All sorts of folks have helped me overcome those things in order to move forward, so they deserve all the appreciating they’re getting from me.

Ally S
7 years ago

Oh dear, I’m getting kind of stressed out about money. I’ve raised enough money for a plane ticket thanks to the donations of some folks I know, but I have no more than $400 total right now. Quite a bit of that will go away once I buy the ticket. I’ll have to find a job as soon as I can in Santa Cruz when I get there or else I’ll face the risk of having next to no money for months. My friend is willing to let me stay at her place without paying for the rent, but that doesn’t mean I can just not have a job and consequently remain poor. I just hope that none of this will lead me to be forced to go back to my dad’s house. I have thought about the possibility of going back to his place, and I am prepared to protect myself from further abuse (from both him and my violently homophobic and transphobic step-mom), but I am desperately trying to avoid sleeping over at his place for even a night.

I’m thinking about working at a local bookstore in Santa Cruz, since I wouldn’t mind that kind of job and it doesn’t seem too stressful (save for organizing stuff, which isn’t really that bad anyway). I just hope I can give them a good resume since the only (official) job I’ve ever had was in web development. I feel so lost. X_X

contrapangloss
7 years ago

Ally, you can do it! If there’s anything we can do to help, let us know. The bookstore gig sounds awesome, if you can get it.

I’m totally with you on the avoid sleeping at your dads, even for a night.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
7 years ago

Ally, speaking as someone who’s had a great many jobs, don’t get too hung up on what job you get. They almost never turn out like you think they’re going to. Chances are, you’re not going to stumble into your dream job on your first try (although you might, in which case, WOOT!).

The thing is, it’s a paycheque. Even if the job is boring or smelly, or just feels beneath you, making money gives you independence, and keeps you away from your abusive father.

You can turn any job into something you find satisfying by just working at it. And if you can’t stand it, look for something else.

I find a lot of people put way too much of their self-worth into their jobs, myself included. I like to be able to do something I’m proud of. But at the end of the day, really, it’s just my grocery money. It’s not my identity.

I hope I’m not being too lecture-y, and I hope this helps with the anxiety. You don’t have to get it right the first try.

Ally S
7 years ago

@Unimaginative

I think you’re on to something here. Part of my nascent positivity (mentioned above) has motivated me to also just think “I’ll get by somehow” when it comes to jobs. It’s just hard to maintain that thought since I identify as an anarchist and within that identity I always lament the reality of wage labor, dread the possibility of being fired for being unlikable and incompetent, etc. All I can do is to try to reconcile with that attitude since it’s an important part of who I am yet I just need to tell myself that, while I think this system is terrible and I’m allowed to feel that way, I have no choice but to work on its terms in order to have a more tolerable life. IDK, I’m just weird like that.

Ally S
7 years ago

@contrapangloss

Iā€™m totally with you on the avoid sleeping at your dads, even for a night.

I mean, it’s not likely that I’ll be in immediate danger if I stay there – it’s possible that I can just stay there without the risk of being abused. But I’m fucking terrified of the idea of having to go on some road trip with my dad. In which he’ll probably ask me some questions about transness that make me feel really uncomfortable. He already has talked to me about his concerns about me “mutiliating” my “beautiful body”. X_x

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ally, I disagree that you won’t be in imminent danger if you go to your parental unit’s house. He knows you’re trans now, and that’s only going to fuel his abusiveness. You made the monumental effort of getting safely away from that scum. Please, don’t get back in his power.

As to fears of being fired for being unlikeable – gah, you ARE likable, it’s your self-hate telling you otherwise!

Prolly this is a stupid question, but have you been job-searching for entry-level work? You’re just the age candidate those employers are looking for, you’re not expected to have experience (well, not mostly: there are some employers who don’t seem to know what “entry level” means) and it’s not like it’s a lifetime commitment to whatever the field is.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Oh, and nice bit of hypocrisy from the parental unit – suddenly Mr Fat Shaming says you’ve got a beautiful body? Yeah, anything to bend you to his will. Fuckshite.

Ally S
7 years ago

Well, actually, he just shames me for being skinny. And he jokes about me looking like Michael Jackson because of my longer hair. I really hate it when he says that because it digs into my insecurities like nothing else.

I haven’t been looking for entry-level jobs lately – mostly because for the longest time I’ve just been focusing on doing things for my step-dad. But I’m trying to look now. It’s just kind of hard to start looking, I guess. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places…IDK

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