National Review has delivered unto us a puckishly paleoconservative cover story with a very Redditesque headline: “Like a Boss.” Which is perhaps appropriate, in that the story that goes with the headline uses the faux logic of evolutionary psychology (always popular on Reddit) in order to argue that Romney, a true alpha male, should be getting something like 100% of the female vote rather than trailing Obama by ten percent in this rather important demographic.
The article, by Kevin D. Williamson — no, not the Dawson’s Creek dude — starts off terrible:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse.
And it only gets worse from there.
The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men.
So, yeah. As Williamson evidently figures it, Romney oozes status, so therefore women should adore him. No, really.
You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched.
Heck, even his sperm is macho:
It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters.
But Obama, meanwhile, has got the sperm of a girly man:
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
With so much going for him, Williamson wonders, why isn’t Romney doing better with the ladies?
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote.
Because all women are inherently golddiggers. It’s SCIENCE!
Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.
He’s big pimpin, yo!
So why aren’t the ladies lining up for him?
Well, Williamson suggests that despite his wealth, Romney doesn’t act as rich as he really is. Indeed, he’s been known to ride coach on airlines! Williamson urges Romney to fully embrace his inner pimp, because “Americans love rich people.”
Still, despite Romney’s failure to live as large as he could, given the amount of money he’s got in the bank, Williamson still thinks he’s pretty darn alpha:
Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about?
A lot, really. Do you actually follow the news? If Americans – particularly American women — love rich guy alphas so much, there’s not a lot of evidence of this in the current presidential race. Heck, every time Romney acts like the rich person he is — you may recall his comments about his good buddies the NASCAR team owners — he becomes the butt of jokes.
Could it be that people don’t actually act the way that the cavemen and/or animals in evolutionary psychology “just-do stories” do? That, perhaps, those stories are bullshit?
Indeed, Williamson’s story is such an effective rebuttal of evo-psych nonsense, it’s hard not to wonder if National Review has just trolled itself. Or us.
MITT ROMNEY IS OOOOLLLLD DO NOT WANT
(Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to fuck a 65-year-old Mormon grandpa if that’s your thing, but personally JUST EW.)
Someone on Twitter said that she met the author of this so-called article and he is a Grade A creeper. I thought it was Ann Friedman but can’t find the tweet. Anyone else see it? Or did I dream it after the dream about three tenors on a boat?
Katz, you are evil evil evil! RUSH?!
LOL Katz!
LOL Katz!
Ahaha that was totally unintentional I swear!
OK, I haven’t read through all the comments, so maybe someone already mentioned this, but did anyone read Amanda Marcotte’s takedowns of this article? She coined the phrase “earthy sperm worship” a phrase forever burned into my brain.
Women want a nap. After that, women want to plan an outfit for a wedding. Unfortunately, women are working for another 6 1/4 hours 🙁
Women are going to help their mother retrieve her car from the shop.
Then, later, women and men are going to get together and lightning bolt some ogres.
Yeah, I’m probably going to Hell for that. But SO worth it.
Katz, that was hilarious!
Women just wrote a really long rant on Feministe, and are now going to do some knitting to cool down. ^^; Then they’ll probably have lunch.
Well katz, you made my day with that.
Women just finished up a ton of bureaucratic paperwork, and are taking a 15-minute break before analyzing some oral histories.
Women are answering prayers today, putting locks on the front of the apartment buildings so we have secure entrances. Also, women have probably locked out at least one asshat who will try to raise a stink.
Women are enjoying the thought of that particular asshat being locked out.
Women was just very patient with the mistakes I’ve made on paperwork, for which I am grateful. (it is singular, right, being as it’s a monolith??)
Oh man… this one is easy.
Mitt Romney is only an alpha male thanks to a status propped up by FIAT dollars.
Women, sensing that his money is actually based in a currency that has no real backing in gold instead are not attracted.
(Or the actual real reason that exposed liars lose their social authority, and through being a liar so often he’s exhausted any bit of social authority he actually has)
Women are playing video games and trying to clean up the house for their parents.
Women want to go to Home Depot to buy landscape timbers but it’s pouring rain and we all drive cars that are exceptionally bad to drive through high water.
Women just made it from a waitlist into an important class (yay) and are now very happy. ^^
Women want food, but they already had some so they’re not getting any more no matter how much they freakin’ meow.
Women are packing for a theater retreat and would like to know if we remember where we put the extra copy of the script. Dammit.
Women TOTALLY want to go to the Home Depot to get material to build a Little Free Library, but are instead at work. Women would also like a nap. Women will defer both, because that’s how women roll.
Women still don’t feel very good, but are back at work because women don’t get sick days.
Men, on the other hand, are wondering why the horizontal spacing between the letters in their Word document is varying from line to line, without an actual space being inserted.