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The Proud Boys are single and ready to mingle on their new dating site

Proud Boys are standing by!

By David Futrelle

Hey ladies! Do you like men? Were you born with a vagina? Is your love life utter shit? Are you sick of Tinder and Bumble and OkCupid and all the rest? Are you so lonely and so desperate for a man that you’d consider hooking up with a member of a violent, far-right street gang named after a song from Aladdin?

If you answered “yes” to all those questions, you will be amazed at how much in luck you are. Because the fine gentlemen of the Proud Boys have just started up a miniature dating site JUST FOR YOU.

You don’t even have to bother with picking out a Proud Boy of your own. All you need to do is to fill out a short profile on the Proud Boys web site, attach a couple of pics (nudes appreciated) and the Boys will search your area for eligible fellas to send your way.

“We’ve been asked by many women to start a Proud Boys dating site,” the Proud Boys explain.

If you are one of these women and would like to meet Proud Boys in your area, fill out the form below and your information will be sent to a chapter close to you. Send nudes, boring pics or any other information to proudboysusa@gmail.com and it will be forwarded with your info.

Antifa women, you are welcome to request a date as long as you have a vagina and have had it your entire life.  Please shave and shower before coming to see us.

Based on the photos and videos of Proud Boys I’ve seen over the years, it appears the shaving and showering requirement doesn’t apply to them.

So what sort of info do the Proud Boys need in order to match you up with one of their own? Don’t bother describing yourself or listing your favorite films. The Proud Boys want just the facts, ma’am: Your age, your height, your weight, your bra size and how you would rate yourself on a scale from one to ten. Oh, and “HOW MUCH ALCOHOL AND DRUGS CAN YOU CONSUME?”

And don’t worry, these guys aren’t just looking for cheap sex; they hope to impregnate their proud lady dates so they can, as the site helpfully explains, “repopulate the west.”

It all sounds so easy, I can hear you saying. What’s the catch? Well, the catch is that you’ll have to date and possibly be impregnated by a Proud Boy.

I guess that’s kind of a big catch, huh?

H/T — The Daily Dot

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Zebra
Zebra
2 years ago

The perfect opportunity for those [white] women with a fetish for playing STD Pokémon. Because you will definitely “catch them ALL.”

bekabot
2 years ago

I’m having the same issues with that sentence. I can’t figure out how to fix it, but it just sounds clunky and like there is something wrong with it.

Two words: stoner English.

Dalillama
Dalillama
2 years ago

Boring has linked up with Dull, Scotland and Bland, NSW to form the League of Extraordinary Communities, also known as the Trinity od Tedium.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw:

I know in the grand scheme of things there are bigger things to criticise about all this; but there’s just something about:

HOW MUCH ALCOHOL AND DRUGS CAN YOU CONSUME?

that’s making me twitchy.

Is it grammatically correct? It just doesn’t seem to scan right.

I expect that’s probably because “alcohol” is a mass noun and “drugs” is a counted noun, so “much” is wrong for one but “many” would be wrong for the other. As a writer, I would normally rephrase something like this to either split it up or use only one type of noun.

Further, “how many drugs” still seems a bit wrong, for semantic reasons, as it’s probably the quantity of stuff rather than the number of different types that they’d be interested in. And “alcohol” seems a little too formal in this context.

Ultimately, I’d suggest something like “How much booze and dope can you do” instead.

@moregeekthan:

“X contains many singles far more appealing than the Proud Boys,” is true for an awfully large range of X.

Even a wallet.

Except in Canada.

Prith kDar
Prith kDar
2 years ago

The drugs and alcohol question could be their clever way of weeding out users from the pure, alabaster madonnas they will save for their repopulation plans. With the former and any leftist women they somehow fantasize they’ll reel in, condoms are O.K.!

Nah, they’re just not worried about grammar.

Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ surplus, prith et al

So basically they’re not-grammar nazis?

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
2 years ago

@Alan, you might have captured the only legit instance ever of not-grammar nazis. Nice one! 🙂

Viscaria
Viscaria
2 years ago

On the subject of Canadian racism, anti-racist activists in my city protested the local news organizations for poorly representing the local George Floyd/BLM protests, overemphasizing solidarity with the States and underemphasizing racist police brutality here.

Porter said the conversation we’re all having about racism now was sparked by the death of George Floyd, a black man in Minnesota who died after a white police officer knelt on his neck for almost nine minutes. But she said the conversation here should be focused on racism in Canada that is often swept under the rug because people claim it’s not as bad here as it is in America.

Edit: I should say that I did not attend those protests and my only source of information about them is that article I linked, which is rather vague, so I’m reading between the lines a bit when I’m saying what their motivations were.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
2 years ago

Desmond Cole, journalist, (best selling!!) author and activist from Toronto:

‘Canada insists on being surprised by its own racism’
https://www.macleans.ca/news/canada/desmond-cole-canada-insists-on-being-surprised-by-its-own-racism/

Yeah, the ‘we’re so much better!’ thing is being called out all over, thank goodness.

Katherine the Adequate
Katherine the Adequate
2 years ago

So they want methed up mommas for their babies? Perhaps the trailer parks need repopulating, then. Or, maybe they’re using it as a way to weed out unfit breeders?

Moxie
Moxie
2 years ago

So they want methed up mommas for their babies? Perhaps the trailer parks need repopulating, then. Or, maybe they’re using it as a way to weed out unfit breeders?

No, it’s definitely the first option.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

@Joe

Kat, no one is going to have sex with them sober! What choice do they have?

In fairness to the Proud Boys, I must concede the point.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Katherine the Adequate:

Perhaps the trailer parks need repopulating, then.

Hey, can we please try not to stigmatise people for having less money?

Cats In Shiny Hats
Cats In Shiny Hats
2 years ago

As someone who spent several of their formative years in a trailer park I would like to second the request of not lumping those dicks in with the poor. I’d say ninety percent of those who lived there were wonderful people.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
2 years ago

@Viscaria, Fishy Goat:
I know I’ve brought up Royson James before, who used to have a regular column on the front of the GTA section in the Toronto Star, and is now operating more freelance.

The last time I mentioned him, it was for his article on the Peel District School Board back in March, specifically for the damning 42-page report from the commission investigating them, which specified how black students had been deliberately sidelined and discriminated against for decades and the people instigating the problems mostly driving out anybody who complained. Well, unsurprisingly, there’s another article on that subject from this weekend:
Parents have pleaded, protested and marched for changes to be made to the Peel school board. It’s long past time to root out the racists

How is it possible that elected trustees on the Peel District School Board (PDSB) still have a job when they are responsible for the most vile, racist, perverse and utterly despicable school board in recent Canadian memory?

How is the unelected education director in Peel still holding down his job?

Have they, in Peel, with the second largest school board in the province, not presided over schools where Black students are called the N-word, Muslim students are characterized as mad bombers, and one trustee branded Brampton’s McCrimmon Middle School with a large African Canadian student population as “McCriminal?”
[…]
This is not a secret. We identified its name many times before and called it so. Few listened, until, maybe, George Floyd. And for how long?

In this space on March 23, before everyone came face-to-face with the impact of a racist knee on a Black man’s neck, Peel parent Danielle Dowdy, absolutely distressed at the conduct of her publicly funded PDSB called the board’s practice “unfathomable.”
[…]
For crying out loud, if Quaker Oats can admit Aunt Jemima has racist roots and remove the branded image that has greeted breakfasts for 130 years, certainly we can root out the racists at one of our school boards.

Immediately.

The main issue now is that the provincial Education Minister, who commissioned the report in the first place, has been mostly sitting back and letting the School Board fix itself; and that obviously isn’t happening because the rot is way too deep for that.

numerobis
numerobis
2 years ago

Canada kills a lot less Black and Indigenous people using the police.

It also kills a lot less White people — our police is simply much less deadly than US police.

In ratios it’s pretty similar: Blacks are killed about triple the rate of Whites, and Indigenous people about 6x the rate of Whites.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@numerobis
Do police have guns in Canada? I’ve been to Canada a few times but can’t recall whether the police had guns when I was there.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

@Naglfar

Yes, the police have guns in Canada. We don’t have quite as many shootings of unarmed civilians, though they did murder a man in Malton this weekend after being called in to help him when his family was concerned he was a danger to himself due to a mental health emergency. Fucking pigs.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-53141449

Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ catalpa

Ugh. How the fuck can a “well-being” check end up with you dead?

But I suppose this illustrates the point. For all sorts of reasons I think “defunding the police” is an unfortunate choice of terminology. But the police can’t be expected to be social workers or mental health professionals; so spend the money on people who can. That’s so much better for everybody. The police are relieved of a task they’re totally unsuited for, and a family would still have their dad.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Catalpa

We don’t have quite as many shootings of unarmed civilians

That is probably somewhat due to training differences. American police departments hire programs specifically to teach cops how to kill with less restraint.

Dalillama
Dalillama
2 years ago

@Alan
It means what it says. There’s nothing redeemable in policing as it exists in the States, the only option is to abolish the current setup entirely and start from scratch.

Cyborgette
Cyborgette
2 years ago

@Alan

What Dalillama said. White progressives who have been fearing death squads… aren’t wrong, but tend to miss that cops have been exactly that for decades – just not for white people (usually).

Katherine the Adequate
Katherine the Adequate
2 years ago

Moggie, point taken. My late great aunt lives in a nice trailer court. Unfortunately in the semi-rural area where I grew up, trailers were a favorite location for meth producers/dealers/users. People like that can stigmatize anything associated with them. Still, generalizations are both lazy and unfair.

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

For all sorts of reasons I think “defunding the police” is an unfortunate choice of terminology.

Nothing unfortunate or unintentional about that terminology. Abolish the police.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Katherine the Adequate

People like that can stigmatize anything associated with them.

In my experience, wealthy people also use drugs and often have publicized addictions, yet we don’t hear the same sorts of stereotypes and mocking of mansions. Even if some people in trailer parks use drugs like meth (and in pretty much every segment of society some will use drugs of varying types), it’s best not to perpetuate the stereotype.

Or, in song form (and also just generally a good song relevant to the topic of police abolition):

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