Dudes! Consider converting to Mormonism to score yourself a hot, clean virgin wife, Return of Kings urges

Is Roosh trying to convert his readers to Mormonism?
Is Roosh trying to convert his readers to Mormonism?

Ever since the execrable Roosh Valizadeh decided he’d rather be a patriarch than a pickup artist, he and the writers on his Return of Kings garbage site have been singing the praises of traditional religion.

Not so much for them, or for the male readers of his site, very few of whom seem to be religious, but for women and girls. In Roosh’s fantasy world, you see, traditional religion means more hot young virgins for him.

But how does the aspiring patriarch choose what religion to pretend to believe in order to score himself a virginal wife who will probably cook dinner for him and wash his fetid socks?

Enter regular Return of Kings contributor Max Roscoe with a new series promising to answer that important question. Roscoe, who previously wrote about his failed attempts to pick up chicks at what he decided was a too-liberal church retreat, has generously agreed to attend services of three relatively conservative faiths in order to scope out hot virgin chicks for the benefit of Return of Kings readers.

First up, the Mormons.

Roscoe starts off with some general impressions of Mormons:

Mormons are extremely family oriented. They are very clean, and often talk like Ned Flanders.

Then, after describing a rather uneventful visit to a local Mormon ward, Roscoe offers his assessment of the pros and cons of the religion. He praises Mormonism for being, among other things, a “very patriarchal” religion that is “nominally Christian [and] moderately accepted in [the] West,” then rattles off a slightly longer list of cons, including

  • Dubious beliefs
  • Prohibitions on alcohol, caffeine, and other intoxicants …
  • Probably the most hostile to the ideas of “game”

He’s also not impressed with the Morman church’s renunciation of plural marriage, which causes him to “wonder if they will not cave to demands of the corrupt outside world at some point.”

While Roscoe himself isn’t too keen on becoming a Mormon, he sees some hope that the religion could help Return of Kings readers in their search for virgins.

Sure, you might get stuck playing a lot “of board games and bible trivia [and] hanging out with the extended church family.” And you’ll have to stop banging sluts. Oh, and you’ll probably have to actually become a Mormon yourself.

“But the payoff,” he happily concludes,

is an extremely submissive wife who knows that her eternal salvation depends on fulfilling her motherly and wifely duties so that one day you can have endless celestial sex among the gods. Expect a Mormon girl to barely know what a penis or vagina is, but to do anything that her Priesthood holder (you) tells her. … the only single women I saw were in middle or high school.

I would make a joke here but honestly I feel a bit ill.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
5 years ago

Thank you, feminist.narwhal. I’ll consider that when and if the time comes, but right now, we’re going to stick to counselors specializing in DV.

Thank you, THANK YOU again, everybody, for your help.

5 years ago


One more thing. This is a function of different socialization between men and women in western culture.

In relationships I’ve seen at the brink, where you are, women cling until past their endurance, but men think there’s a post-leaving hail mary kind of play.*

This leads a certain sort of man to change for the better after she leaves, hoping to get her back. In a small subset of relationships, this might make things work out if she leaves earlier rather than later to prove her seriousness. He’s still a jerk for not listening, but his ability to be better in his next relationship shows a (limited) capacity for learning.

You may be too tolerant still, but leaving is a win for you either way. Maybe he sees the error of his ways, and you can renegotiate, or maybe you get away.

Your life still improves.

* my parents plus

occasional reader
occasional reader
5 years ago


If there was a magical trick for getting women to all be attracted to men, it would be widely known and used by men already.

No magic ? But how can they make joke like “Hey, baby, wanna see my magic wand ? Arh arh !” or “Hey, baby, let’s do magic ! I f*** you, and you disappear just after ! Arh arh !” (Yes, the arh arh is to the creeper what the ah ah ah is to the mad scientist or the wannabe evil world ruler, it comes in a bunch) if there are no magic tricks ?

There are places, in reality and on the web, for the ones looking for soulmates, why bother the others and yourself to do it in other places ? They seem a bit too self-centered. I do not say that “love at first sight” can not happen at any place, but i fear they tend to mistake love for love (in the meaning of “Oh, my boner” for “Oh, my heart”). And with this kind of sites and advisors, who urge them to indulge in this kind of creepy behavior because “it is natural”/”all men are like that”/”that is your right” (which is as natural as me killing someone because, ah ! i have a gun, so why not ? – or also the boner of Berlusconi, but this is nasty from me, sorry) , and society which does not really care, well, why they should not do it, right ?

Dreaming is good, forcing reality is not.

Have a nice day.

EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

You make me happy, occasional reader.

Come to think of it, we have some awesome French people on this site.

5 years ago

Thank you, Boo.

Two days in, Mr. LG is behaving himself well and respecting my boundaries. He is not having a fun time, but he is not making his un-fun time my problem. He is centering and supporting me. He is listening and I am feeling safe enough when I am with him to speak freely to him. I feel a little unsafe at night; he offered this morning to sleep on the couch while I sleep in the bedroom with the door locked. He reminds himself to talk about our future together in terms of “if,” and he is not pushing me to make a decision or any promises. He is reading Lundry Bancroft and making notes when he sees something he thinks pertains to him; sixty pages into the book, he has a page and a half of notes. He’s talking to me about them, making sure to do so when he thinks it won’t interfere with what I’m currently processing.

He has shown what looks to me like genuine remorse. It makes my insides feel less squirmy and scared.

He’s referring to himself as “an abuser” and examining his relationships with other women, past and present. He wrote in his notes that his ex girlfriend “was right” and clarified to me this meant she was right to call him out on some manipulative intentions he had explosively denied at the time.

In other words, he’s basically hitting it out of the park, BUT it has only been two days, and I’m hopeful but staying vigilant.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
5 years ago


Somehow I managed to miss all of that…
Well, this conversation has been going for a while and I don’t believe I’d have anything to add that hasn’t been said before, save for the personal input. All the hugs and support and also even cat pics if you want ! I think it says a lot about this blog that you delurked to ask for advice and support, and it says a lot about you that you did. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing, in being open and coming forward with the problem here and with him, and also in giving him a chance given the situation. I’d say to go on with this while being extra cautious, but it’s been said before. If he genuinely shows signs of change, it also says a lot about him, because not very many men would (Hey, MRAs ! This is the internalized beta misandry speaking ! Also, fuck you.) but if you have the slightest doubt, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You still haven’t “tested” him, so to speak. It’s normal in a relationship to slip up, make a mistake, and upset the significant other, but the question is how will he react to it ? You can’t be expected to be a perfect person all the time, but on the other hand it’s his responsibility to react in a mature way, not with more abuse. That’s what I think you really have to watch out for : his reactions under “stress”. If he doesn’t suddenly lash out then, then I guess you’re good. I guess.

Boo said something interesting about certain abusers being able to change. I don’t know about abusers, but I know that people with more general shitty behavior can indeed change, but they have to be sincere in that effort. I believe forgiveness is the most important thing in the world, but only when it’s deserved. And to deserve it, you have to make the effort. Otherwise, don’t think twice about getting the hell out of there.

@occasional reader & EJ

Wait, who are they ? I know about OR and Ohlmann, whom I haven’t heard of since the “language/drugs” incident 🙁 , aaaand maybe one other person but I’m not sure who and I don’t think they’re active at the moment.

(oh yeah and also, um, me I guess)

5 years ago

Somehow I can’t see these patriarchal Mormon dad types letting these guys get within ten feet of their daughters. You know, they would actually have to work at it, become hardworking, study religion, stop being obsessed with sex (at least ostensibly), have a ton of kids and support ALL of them (look at the way MRAs complain about child support), wear the magic underwear, all that fun stuff.

1 6 7 8
%d bloggers like this: