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Evil female fakes pregnancy to get attention, pampering, delicious bamboo

Sneaky, sneaky!
Sneaky, sneaky!

The latest news out of Taiwan seems to suggest that maybe Men’s Rights activists are right about the wily female and her endless demands for stuff.

In Taipei, one famous female was recently discovered to be faking a pregnancy in what appears to have been a transparent ploy for attention, round-the-clock pampering, and delicious bamboo.

Ok, it was a panda.

As China Daily reports:

Hopes that another panda cub would soon be born in Taiwan were dashed when experts determined that signs of pregnancy displayed by a giant panda at Taipei Zoo appear to have been faked by the animal in order to secure better conditions during the summer.

According to the article,

Pandas thought to be pregnant are moved into single rooms with air conditioning and round-the-clock care and also receive more fruits and bamboo.

Experts believe clever pandas display behavior similar to pregnancy to improve their quality of life after noticing the difference in treatment they receive.

Apparently this panda went a bit further than most. The article reports that the panda in question, a lovely lass named Yuan Yuan,

had shown signs of pregnancy such as loss of appetite, thickening of the uterus and increased fecal progesterone concentration.

Uh, how exactly would one go about faking “thickening of the uterus” or  “increased fecal progesterone concentration?” The article doesn’t say.

Females sure are mysterious creatures, huh?

Mysterious and evil.

H/T — 

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Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

I’m happy you posted this, David. We needed something funny to uplift us from all the horribleness that’s been happening as of late.

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

Plus there’s only one female panda that has done it so far.

No, it’s happened before. For example, here’s a story from 2014 with almost identical “claver pandas” wording.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

This is terribly off-topic and I apologise, but I am pissed off and bitter and sad, and this feels like a good crowd to vent to.

In the Jerusalem Pride Parade, yesterday, a religious (orthodox) terrorist attcked and stabbed six people. No dead, thankfully, but some were very badly wounded.

(I didn’t go, this year; I was thinking of it, but it was a realy hot day and I was tired and didn’t feel like being around a lot of people. And none of my friends who did go were hurt, although it feels pretty selfish to look at a silver lining like that when six people were hurt.)

And the worst part? This is the same guy that stabbed three people at the parade some years ago (2007, I think). THE SAME GUY. He got out of jail three weeks ago, he talked publicly about how he doesn’t regret what he’s done and how the parade ‘has to be stopped’, he was fucking spotted there by the police, who apparently just told him to go away. How. Just fucking how. Just what the fucking hell.

And then you get the fucking voices who say ‘what he did was terrible and I do not condone it, but having a pride parade in Jerusalem is wrong’, like, NO. Just no, just shut your fucking hateful mouths for fucking once.

AAAARRRGH.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
6 years ago

@Penny Psmith

You’re not serious. The same guy?

That’s…the fuck?

katz
katz
6 years ago

Some would point to this as evidence for the infinite deceitfulness of feeeeemales. I, on the other hand, would point to it as evidence that the Taipei Zoo needs to up its panda-accommodations game. Because maybe, just maybe, if the pandas were more comfortably housed and better fed, they’d actually start producing more baby pandas, right?

That was my thought, too. They are clearly not keeping the pandas in conditions the pandas are happy with.

Although maybe there are other factors, like maybe the pregnant pandas get more food because they need more calories but it would be unhealthy to give that much food to a non-pregnant panda. I don’t know. IANApandaspecialist.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

@Pandapool:

Oh, deadly serious.
And here’s another unbelievable detail: he was originally sentenced to ten years. He was let out two years early, because judges said that ‘he was normative until the stabbing incident’.
Yeah.

Fucking expletive fuck.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
6 years ago
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
6 years ago

(I thought a funny angry gif would cheer me up but it just makes me feel like an ass.)

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

Well, I kinda like the angry moth, so thanks.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)
6 years ago

I guess I tried my best.

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

And thanks, David. Been feeling kinda bad about derailing a light-heated Evil Panda post with this awful story.

At least we actually have people (including right-wing politicians) calling him a terrorist. Even if some of them probably just do it as a way to wash their hands of any association with the crime, it’s still better than just saying he’s a ‘deranged killer’ or something.

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

He’s a shande fur die goyim is what he is.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

A panda before the nations? Jackie, this is your wheelhouse.

From what I hear, Israel’s been having a long problem with getting the orthodox community to stop trying to impose their religious principles on the rest of the country (often violently, sadly.) Penny Psmith, please accept my hugs and sympathies with this.

Kootiepatra
Kootiepatra
6 years ago

I am so, so sorry to hear that, Penny.

Re: the article: wow, that panda really fooled her zookeepers. I suppose you could say she—bamboozled them.

*runs away*

Drdg
Drdg
6 years ago

@ Penny Psmith

I read the story in news today and almost started to cry because of my frustration with that blind hate that makes people do such horrible things.

I hope this is not inappropriate to say this now, but I strongly believe that it will get better and society will become more enlightened. Slowly, yes, but it will. In my country (Latvia), the first pride several years ago was stopped by a mob of angry protesters, and they were throwing bags with (human!) feces. (I just can`t imagine the mindset you have to have to think that this is a great way to show your beliefs!) This year we had EuroPride at Riga – and despite the controversy in media, the event itself was peaceful and joyful. Only few random protesters stood passively with some posters, and one complete fool who almost burned himself while trying to set on fire a rainbow flag, but he was quickly removed by the police.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

Re this:

That was my thought, too. They are clearly not keeping the pandas in conditions the pandas are happy with.

The problem has actually been solved recently. The solution? Amongst others, panda wee.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/zoo.10118/abstract

Pandas use olifactory communication to signal to their mates when they’re ready, much in the same way as humans use Barry White albums. This olifactory communication is done largely through pandas peeing on things when certain chemicals are in their pee. If panda enclosures are kept too clean – as they were until recently – then they wouldn’t stink of panda pee and therefore would prevent pandas from communicating.

The moral of the story is twofold:

A) Make sure you let your pandas pee everywhere. You might not like it but they do.

B) Pandas seem to have a consent-based sexual culture, since the lack of affirmative communication from girl pandas means the boy pandas leave them alone. You go, pandas!

(Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter. But that’s a different story.)

Pie
Pie
6 years ago

EJ (The Other One):
> (Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter. But that’s a different story.)

They’re also not very good at telling their cubs apart, which means you can take the abandoned one and look after it separately, and occasionally swap it for its sibling and mum will still be quite happy looking after it.

Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

swap it for its sibling and mum will still be quite happy looking after it.

Young pandas are notorious for exploiting this for when they want to sneak out and go clubbing.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

Does that mean that The Parent Trap was the only human movie which makes sense to pandas?

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
6 years ago

(Thanks for your support, folks. Israel is a complicated place, and for the time being I’ll leave it at that, because I’d love for this thread to go back to pandas.)

Pandas seem to have a consent-based sexual culture
[…]
Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter

Oh my god! The pandas are pregnancy-faking, rape-claiming[*] shitty mothers! Those damn feminists, always taking all the good bamboo!

[*] Err, somehow? It’s not like actual MRArguments make much sense.

Fruitloopsie
6 years ago

http://giphy.com/search/funny-panda/2
Sorry that happened Penny.

Bina
6 years ago

And the worst part? This is the same guy that stabbed three people at the parade some years ago (2007, I think). THE SAME GUY. He got out of jail three weeks ago, he talked publicly about how he doesn’t regret what he’s done and how the parade ‘has to be stopped’, he was fucking spotted there by the police, who apparently just told him to go away. How. Just fucking how. Just what the fucking hell.

Ugh. Obviously, the police, like the general population there, are homophobic as fuck (and I don’t care what effin’ pinkwash the apologists pull, especially of the “But teh moooooooozlims are worse!” variety).

And just as obviously, that Pride parade NEEDED to happen, all the more, for that very reason.

PS: I liked the angry moth, too. I wonder what kind of noises they make. Obviously nothing within the range of human hearing…

Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

@ Bina

Realistically, what else could the police do? As a matter of law, they didn’t even have any power to enforce their request that he leave.

meiguizi
meiguizi
6 years ago

A the China Daily. Always a good laugh. 2 Great headlines from when I used to read it on trains in China: “Students get off on teacher’s honeymoon” and “Prostitute caught trying the same trick twice.” Maybe don’t take their reporting of specifics too seriously.

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