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Johnny Appleseed: A Man Going His Own Way?

How do you like them apples?

So yesterday I quoted some random Spearheader who described women (well, white women in particular) as “complete parasitical whores roaming the landscape spreading VD like Johnny Appleseed and fucking men over.”

One reader wondered if Mr. Appleseed really went about spreading VD. So I did a little research, and it turns out that it is exceedingly unlikely that Mr. Appleseed – who actually was a real person — spread anything other than the magic of apples. And his Swedenborgian beliefs.

Why? Because Mr. Appleseed – real name John Chapman – was what these days we might call a Man Going His Own Way. Seems he didn’t have much truck with the ladies, according to one contemporary account quoted in his Wikipedia entry:

On one occasion Miss PRICE’s mother asked Johnny if he would not be a happier man, if he were settled in a home of his own, and had a family to love him. He opened his eyes very wide–they were remarkably keen, penetrating grey eyes, almost black–and replied that all women were not what they professed to be; that some of them were deceivers; and a man might not marry the amiable woman that he thought he was getting, after all.

So what led poor Mr. Appleseed to these dire thoughts about women? Apparently the underage girl he hoped to some day get with was more into dudes who weren’t him:

Now we had always heard that Johnny had loved once upon a time, and that his lady love had proven false to him. Then he said one time he saw a poor, friendless little girl, who had no one to care for her, and sent her to school, and meant to bring her up to suit himself, and when she was old enough he intended to marry her. He clothed her and watched over her; but when she was fifteen years old, he called to see her once unexpectedly, and found her sitting beside a young man, with her hand in his, listening to his silly twaddle.

That ungrateful little strumpet!

I peeped over at Johnny while he was telling this, and, young as I was, I saw his eyes grow dark as violets, and the pupils enlarge, and his voice rise up in denunciation, while his nostrils dilated and his thin lips worked with emotion. How angry he grew! He thought the girl was basely ungrateful. After that time she was no protegé of his.

But Appleseed, despite giving up on women in the real world, held out hope for the afterlife – explaining to others that he expected to have two spirit wives all his own after he died. Which I guess is the 19th century equivalent of the MGTOWers today who fantasize about the sexy robot ladies who will eventually, it is hoped, make actual human females – with their troubling “thoughts” and “needs” and “desires” of their own – obsolete.

Mr. Appleseed’s quest to remain alone was probably also helped by the fact that – if the illustration I found on Wikipedia is any indication – he looked a bit like Dale Gribble from King of the Hill. Only much, much sloppier, with long hair. Oh, and instead of wearing a baseball cap, he wore “a tin utensil which answered both as a cap and a mush pot.”

So, yeah, a creepy weirdo who hates women — definitely an MGTOWer all the way.

Oh, except that he actually did something with his life — you know, helping spread apple trees to a big portion of the midwest — instead of spending all his time going on about how all women are whores.

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Improbable Joe
Improbable Joe
10 years ago

…but if there had been more advanced robots and the Internet, maybe fewer apples?

10G
10G
10 years ago

BWWAAHHHH!!! “Dale Gribble”….thank you, Dave, for my first big laugh of the day!! The pot on the head thing didn’t hurt, either. 😉

Seraph
Seraph
10 years ago

Well, that’s disappointing to learn. I suppose the whole “raising your own bride” thing was less creepy at the time…a bit…but it still wasn’t really good.

Still, as you say, at least he actually, you know, went his own way and did something useful with his life.

magdelyn
10 years ago

To be honest, I didn’t read the post. With that title, I knew it wasn’t worth reading.

zhinxy
10 years ago

magdelyn – You missed out.

blitzgal
10 years ago

When Johnny Appleseed was asked why he didn’t marry, his answer was always that two female spirits would be his wives in the after-life if he stayed single on earth.

NWO in a previous life. Slave women for every man.

Seraph
Seraph
10 years ago

@ Improbably Joe: Maybe, but I don’t think so. Even in the late 18th-early 19th centuries, there were easier ways to entertain yourself if all you wanted is to Go Your Own Way. The man cared about them apples.

darksidecat
10 years ago

“Wife raising” is all sorts of creepy and wrong.

ozymandias42
10 years ago

Maggie, if you didn’t read it, why did you feel the need to mention you didn’t read it?

Lauralot
Lauralot
10 years ago

@magdelyn: You knew this article wasn’t worth reading, so you stopped to comment on it.

That’s using your time wisely.

Amused
Amused
10 years ago

Well, that’s disappointing to learn. I suppose the whole “raising your own bride” thing was less creepy at the time…a bit…but it still wasn’t really good.

Even in the dark old days, there were people who considered such “projects” both silly and dehumanizing to women. I am reminded of Moliere’s famous comedy The School for Women, in which a middle-aged man “adopts” an orphaned little girl and sends her to a convent to be educated — with the intention, of course, of later marrying her. When she comes back, at the ripe old age of sixteen (and him in his forties), he is surprised — surprised, I tell ya — when she immediately falls in love with someone half his age. As he rails against the ungrateful bitch that she is, other, more sensible characters make arguments to him that essentially boil down to the following:

1. Dude: she’s a person. You do understand that, right?

2. If the only reason you took care of her is so that she would “owe” you, then you motives were selfish, and you can’t expect gratitude. You made a self-serving calculation, but you miscalculated. Too bad, so sad.

For a play written in the 17th century, by a man, it’s really quite remarkable.

Podkayne
10 years ago

So the man did something useful by actually going his own way. And I mean, he did help educate a girl of few opportunities, even if for all the wrong, creepy-ass reasons– and ending his support when she turned out to have her own ideas about her own life.

What are these other idiots doing? Aside from hassling cashiers who expect them to pay for things and waitresses who expect tips?

blitzgal
10 years ago

I just read the plot of The School for Wives on wiki. Yow. Agnes is only 4 years old when Arnolphe resolves to have her raised as the perfect Stepford wife, even telling the nuns exactly how she is to be trained to achieve perfect submission.

Seraph
Seraph
10 years ago

NWO in a previous life. Slave women for every man.

Hmm. I dunno. Johnny’s fantasy was of two wives in Heaven (where the wives will, presumably, be happy as well). More importantly, considering the time he lived in, he could have actually purchased some slave women if he’d wanted, and if he’d treated his apples like a business instead of a divine mission.

NWO’s fantasies are openly punitive. He doesn’t just want slave women, he wants to make them unhappy. And I don’t doubt he’d go out and get some if he could (assuming he could afford them – why do they always assume they could afford slaves when an ordinary wife or girlfriend is an unbearable burden?).

Not to defend Johnny’s creepy actions and beliefs, but he did an awful lot of good and he doesn’t deserve to be compared to NWO.

Seraph
Seraph
10 years ago

@ Amused – and that’s nice to learn. I guess “it’s always the ones you least expect” goes both ways.

Holly Pervocracy
10 years ago

Now I have a big beautiful dream that everyone who posts on the Spearhead and In Mala Fide and whatnot could get together and start a big apple farm.

They could put a “No Gurlz Alowed!” sign on the fence, and argue perpetually about whether Fuji apples were too foreign, and they’d all get some fresh air and sunlight and do something productive with their lives.

Also the apple farm would have no Internet connection.

Molly Ren
10 years ago

I am now imagining a brand of organic apples called “Adam’s Apples” with a logo showing the Biblical scene with Eve conspicuously absent. “Adam’s Apples: grown for men, by men. The way it was originally intended.”

hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

@Holly:

The MGTOW Apple Farm: How Do you Like THESE Apples, Bitchez?

10G
10G
10 years ago

@Holly and hellkell–YES. Word.

kladle
kladle
10 years ago

@holly

more like *in malus fide*

……….booooooo

10G
10G
10 years ago

Hey somebody help me out here–is Slavey the milk truck driver…milking machine dude….milkmaid, whatever–I’m having trouble keeping track of the occupations of the troll characters here. Thanks!!

Molly Ren
10 years ago

10G:

NWOslave is a milking machine tech

Brandon does IT

MRAL is a student who works as a lifeguard

…I don’t think we have any idea what anyone else does, do we?

10G
10G
10 years ago

Ahhh…got it, thanks for the clarification, Molly! 😉

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