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Man with 700 pounds of beef laments that he can’t find a wife

By David Futrelle

The dating world is rough.

What kind of world do we live in when a man with so much beef to offer can’t find himself a decent woman to settle down with?

Maybe someone should put him in touch with this woman.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Naglfar
Naglfar
6 years ago

Well, maybe he could marry Jordan Peterson’s daughter. IIRC she’s on an all-beef diet like her father, so 700lbs of beef would be a draw.

Aron
Aron
6 years ago

Moo.

Lainy
Lainy
6 years ago

This kind of reminded me of a conversation i had with my husband when we were dating. He asked me ” what’s so wrong with a man wanting to be a provider” because he was raised pretty old school Catholic in America in a conservative state so I told him there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be a provider. Wanting to be a provider is like half the part it takes to wanting to be a parent. But I as a grown adult do not need a provider. I make my own money and don’t want to be dependent on a romantic partner in order to survive.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago
Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

Try that again…

https://youtu.be/btEpF334Rtc

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

Fuck you, Alan! Some things are best forgotten.

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

Well that’s interesting. It seems that expressing, ah, robust disapproval of someone’s choice of music can get your comment held for moderation!

Specialffrog
Specialffrog
6 years ago

This seems like a bit from the “Beef and Dairy Network” podcast.

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of 700 lbs of beef, must be in want of a wife. And a large freezer.

Good thing he has health insurance, because that’s too much beef.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
6 years ago

Meh. Now, if he said he knew 700 ways to cook beef, I’d be intrigued.

Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
6 years ago

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of 700 lbs of beef, must be in want of a wife. And a large freezer.

And seriously in need of fibre.

Naglfar
Naglfar
6 years ago

@Jesalin

And seriously in need of fibre.

It’s a small miracle that Jordan Peterson is not dead almost 2 years into his all beef diet.

Dalillama
Dalillama
6 years ago

Probably he’s lying about it. Like the Breatharians.

Naglfar
Naglfar
6 years ago

@Dalillama
He’s probably lying, but how many of his fans think that he only tells the truth and tried this diet for themselves? I’d bet at least a few people actually did it, likely yielding unfortunate results.

kupo
kupo
6 years ago

And yet, you sit there on your throne of beef and don’t make any effort to find your paragon of a partner. Odd.

https://twitter.com/Actor1/status/1191046227560980485?s=19

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

“Throne of beef”. OMG

Brassica
Brassica
6 years ago

“Well, it’s awful sad and lonely
To lead a single life
I think I’ll go to the dance tonight
And find meself a wife
Oh, I have got six bundle pigs
Likewise one big fat sow
There’ll be plenty love and bacon
For the girl who’ll love me now”

https://lyrics.fandom.com/wiki/Poxy_Boggards:Itches_In_Me_Britches

Amtep
Amtep
6 years ago

700 lbs of beef that’s, like, less than half a mammoth. No wonder the ladies are not impressed.

Bina
6 years ago

Yeah, anybody who greets me as “you women” really has a head start on the herd there.

Or at least, he sounds like someone who beefs an awful lot.

Naglfar
Naglfar
6 years ago

@Amtep
Mammoths weighed up to 12,000 lbs (5440 kg), so 700lbs is less than 6% of a mammoth. I wouldn’t be impressed by that.

varalys the dark
6 years ago

There’s actually a subreddit for people on the carnivore diet. r/carnivore has about twelve thousand subscribers and is a source of endlessly entertaining posts for us vegans.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

I bet he also thinks women are horrible steak diggers.

It’s really weird how guys who brag about their house, job, and three-figure tenderloin annuity tend to attract women who are primarily interested in their assets.

MarcVH
MarcVH
6 years ago

Where have I heard about700 pounds of beef before?

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

would like to meet u
pls send picture of beef

moregeekthan
moregeekthan
6 years ago

TBH, back when I was on dating sites, if a woman mentioned she received 700 lbs. of beef per year, that would be a point in her favor.

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