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Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

Just doing my job

By David Futrelle

For the past few months I’ve been mildly obsessed with the Semen Retention subreddit, a sort of harder-core alternative to the bigger NoFap subreddit, full of earnest men convinced that if they can just keep their hands off their dingles for a long enough time they’ll gain quasi-magical powers and become irresistibly attractive to women. Their collective ideology is a weird mixture of pseudoscience, occultism, Eastern woo, and Red Pill misogyny, with a dollop of old-fashioned antisemitism occasionally tossed into the mix for flavor. For a connoisseur of weird misogyny like me, what’s not to love?

Last night as I was poking around the subreddit I ran across a month-old post by someone called Juggernaut_is_here with the intriguing headline: This sub is being thoroughly scrutinized by the Globalist Media..Members may be under the danger of being doxxed. (Proof Inside)

Naturally, I clicked, and was greeted with a vast wall of text detailing this alleged conspiracy against the Men Who Won’t Touch Their Dicks Sometimes For Weeks At a Time. It began promisingly:

It seems the Globalist Media has gotten the inkling that the some young men of today have figured out that semen retention is the ultimate logical conclusion of NoFap and one of the most powerful self-improvement tools known to man.

Self-improvement is stored in the balls!

They want to keep such men weak, submissive and donot want these men to become the self-made billionaires that they deserve to be .

Become the what now?

But hark! The Globalist Media approacheth!

The same Globalist Media approached me for interview as well as the permission to interview the members of our closed r/OneYearCelibacy group through the famous newspaper The New York Post . Anyways they were turned down.

CRISIS AVERTED!

But taking advantage of the open nature of r/semenretention, the Globalist Media have started trawling these hallowed pages looking for signs of men who have gotten advanced insight regarding the management of the Universal Energy

Those sneaky Globalist Media spies, trying to steal the Secret of the Ooze!

Let me remind you, in other cases the Globalist Media has doxxed members of reddit and other platforms for much lesser contrarian views. All of us who post here are under the threat of being doxxed. I request the mods to turn r/semenretentioninto a private forum

After this dire warning I was a little startled to discover that the evil Globalist spy sneaking around their subreddit looking for weirdos to dox was … me?

The establishment through which the Globalist Media is attacking now is the pro-feminist watchdog www.wehuntedthemammoth.com

It really doesnot matter which arm of the Globalist Media is attacking you, it is all coordinated from the top (today it might be wehuntedthemammoth, tomorrow the New York Post, some other day Vox.com, and the day next melmagazine)

It’s true. It’s all coordinated at the top. Just this morning my handler sent me this super secret message with my marching orders for today:

Agent B-43-x,

Pick up some POST-it notes on your way to work at the CEMENT FACTORY, you know, the factory that RETAINS CEMENT, you know, the one on the SUBway RED line.

Then maybe write a post about the semen retention subreddit.

Sincerely,

Management m-97-b-12

Mr. Juggernaut linked to my three posts about his favorite subreddit, then posted a list of nine regular r/SemenRetention commenters he claimed “are being tracked by the Globalists right now.” That is, being tracked by me, including such notable (?) names as sleazyz and GenocideChimp.

Just to be clear: I’M NOT “TRACKING” ANY OF THESE PEOPLE OR INDEED ANY SPECIFIC COMMENTERS ON REDDIT; I JUST QUOTED THESE GUYS ONCE OR TWICE BECAUSE THEY SAID RIDICULOUS THINGS.

Hell, I’m not even “tracking” the Semen Retention subreddit per se; I just look in on it from time to time when I want to do a post on something less depressing than, say, incels.

And no, I’m not going to dox anyone. If you want to say stupid things about semen and possibly women anonymously online, go ahead; I really don’t care who you are in real life.

Not that anything I say will convince Mr. Juggernaut that I’m not a tool of the Globalist Media elite. He’s already set up a private subreddit where the more paranoid retainers like him can

chat [about] controversial aspects of semen retention without being tracked and scrutinized by the Globalists.

Given his endless talk about capital-G “Globalists” I’m sort of assuming that the “controversial aspects of semen retention” involve Jews and their alleged secret plot to weaken men by draining them of their most precious bodily fluid. But I guess I’ll never know, because I’m not clever enough as a secret Globalist spy to have figured out a way to get into his private club without him figuring out who I am.

But my favorite part of Mr. Juggernaut’s post was this bit he added at the end:

Massive Update:

The journalist in question David Futrelle has connections to the topmost echelons of the gloablist media.New York Times thoroughly praised him couple of years back..Heck even presidents of powerful countries donot earn full length feature on NYTimes

He’s referring to that very nice profile of me that ran in the NYT, which apparently means I’m more important than, I guess, the President of Uruguay? (Note: I’m not.)

Apparently, despite his jealousy over my alleged vast powers, Mr. Juggernaut doesn’t think much of me as a person. “[T]he guy was praised by New York Times…so he has connections to the top,” he wrote in a comment, “The Globalist Media always use such hideous beings of nature for their cause.”

Regardless of the extent of my alleged power and/or hideousness, Mr. Juggernaut’s post — though it was ultimately delted by one of the subreddit’s mods — alarmed Reddit’s retainers, many of whom expressed their eagerness to join the secret semen club.

“This is shocking and thanks for sharing this,” wrote someone called YourfriendM.

I think in the near future a person who’s on NoFap or semen retention will be classed as a risk to society. They want us plugged into the Matrix so they can continue to brainwash us.

Dudes, you’re not dangerous. Incels are dangerous. Nazis are dangerous. Dudes who think they can make women swoon by not touching their own dicks for a month aren’t really that much of a risk, unless, say, your balls explode from the pressure while you’re riding the bus some day, but I don’t think that’s a thing.

You guys need to relax. Might I suggest you relieve some of your tension by having a nice wank?

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Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
3 years ago

The majority owner of Reddit is Advance Publications.

Advance also owns the following…

Link to Wiki list

If the “Globalist Media” existed, they’d very much be a part of it. Do they really think taking a subreddit on a website owned by the “Globalist Media” private would keep them out?

Lainy
Lainy
3 years ago

@Virgin Mary

So like the women who sell their breast milk for that or make jewelry out of their breast milk?

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@solecism:

That is awesome! I love biology so much! My biggest sadness in life is that there’s no comparative reproduction textbook showcasing all the fascinating sexual and asexual strategies out there on our own planet. Well, and the profound lack of biological imagination in most SF writing.

Did you see that recent story about bonobo mothers? Extract:

Bonobo mothers seize every opportunity to give their sons a leg-up. In bonobo society, the lower ranks tend to be gender balanced, but females dominate the top ranks. Many mothers have social clout and chaperone their sons to huddles with fertile females, ensuring them better chances to mate. “The mothers tend to be a social passport for their sons,” said Surbeck.

But in the free-for-all that underpins bonobo sex, vigilance is the watchword. When their sons are finally copulating, bonobo mothers keep a wary eye on nearby males. Should any make a move to rush the busy couple – a tactic that is well-known – she can bound in and block the attack.

Such dirty tricks abound. When mothers spot other males on the job, they have been known to detach the hapless apes with a well-timed charge. On rare occasions, the mothers literally drag unrelated males off their sexual partners. “Once I saw a mother pulling a male away by the leg,” said Surbeck. “It doesn’t necessarily increase their son’s mating success, but it shows that they really get involved in the whole business.”

Misandry!

Tovius
Tovius
2 years ago

@Moggie
That’s some real helicopter parenting right there.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

@Moggie

OK, so that tops every “mother-in-law-from-hell” story in human history.

ColeYote
ColeYote
2 years ago

It seems the Globalist Media has gotten the inkling that the some young men of today have figured out that semen retention is the ultimate logical conclusion of NoFap

I like that he thinks that’s an endorsement of his BS and not an indictment of NoFap cultists.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

AcidTrial:

The only metric I can think of by which semen retention might lead to someone being a “self-made billionaire” is that old from that guy who insisted that his semen is liquid gold. I mean, if you’re retaining literal gold, it’d be straight-up profit.

Well, I guess you could just be counting a billion stale sperm cells on your name?

I don’t know how many sperm cells in total you could accumulate in your testes, vasa and prostate before they disintegrate or leak out with urine/involuntary ejaculations, but it’s probably at least a billion.

sly fawkes
sly fawkes
2 years ago

I kind of don’t care if these critters fap or don’t fap, just so long as they don’t breed.
That picture is hilarious!

Bluecat
Bluecat
2 years ago

David, you are more important than the President of Uraguay – to me! And to many mammotheers.

solecism
solecism
2 years ago

@Moggie

Heh. Thanks for sharing. I hadn’t seen that one. But talk about initiating your offspring into the mysteries of sex..

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