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An Unsolicited Update from Paul Elam’s P*nis

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Regular readers of this blog, for better or worse, know one thing that makes “Men’s Human Rights Activist” Paul Elam’s penis happy: The prospect of harassing feminists. He is, after all, the man who wrote of one feminist that “that the idea of fucking your shit up gives me an erection.”

Now Mr. Elam has given us a rather more complete account of what it is that pleases his penis. I’m not sure there was any great demand for this information, but he has chosen to release it, and so here we are.

In a post with the tasteful title “on tits, ass and fucktards,” Elam informs the world that he is in fact a fan of the first two items in this list – that is, tits and ass. He is also, he goes on to explain, a lover of

Sorry, I have to stop for a moment to remind you that you are about to read about things that give Paul Elam — yes THAT Paul Elam — a boner.

I will not think any less of you if you stop reading right here.

If you are ready and willing to continue, here we go:

I like well-formed thighs that lead up to the promise land, and smooth knees above shapely calves. Of course, all that combined with a woman’s pretty face is a crowning glory; full lips that promise supple kisses and great blow jobs, clear eyes and unblemished skin. All this combines to make a woman utterly fuckable, and visually that is what I like most of all. I like to look at women that are little fuckmuffins.

Yes, he actually wrote all that, attached his name to it, and posted it for other people to see.

But as much as Elam likes to look at “little fuckmuffins” he does not actually seem to like most of them very much.

After roughly 150  words devoted mostly to cataloguing his favorite female body parts, Elam evidently runs out of nice things to say about women, and so he returns again to his favorite pastime, devoting the bulk of the post to a rant explaining how much he hates “feminist fucktards,” traditionalist women, and women with Facebook accounts.

While happy enough with “fuckmuffins [who] are sexually liberated and adventurous” and who “like to please and be pleased,” Elam informs the world that he feels no such love for all those awful “fuckmuffins” who “liv[e] life with prudish sticks up their asses made from the same wood that forms the chips on their shoulders.”

He’s also mighty pissed at all those who aren’t interested in hearing him expound at length on what his penis likes.

Of the now almost endless list of things that have grown annoyingly stupid and sanctimonious about feminism is the Victorianesque shaming of my sexual programming as a man. Even with the so called “sex positive” feminists, the most hypocritical assholes of them all, the only positive sexuality they embrace is that of women. To them, male sexuality, in all its glory, is something to be buried, controlled and allowed to surface only when it serves the sexual needs of some narcissistic, horny, self-absorbed little “sex positive” princess.

Unfortunately, more traditional-minded women aren’t much interested in hearing about his penis either. And for some reason they, like feminists, think that there might be some sort of connection between men and rape.

Who are those traditionalists? You will know them by their obsequious silence while feminists shame men for committing the scurrilous act of looking at women sexually. Or better yet, as they join in with their “men can stop rape” bedfellows to twist and distort the natural inclinations of young men with Puritan sexual guilt that marches in lockstep with the feminist hatred of male sexuality.

Elam stops for a moment to reassure his readers that despite all that stuff about “well-formed thighs” and blow-job lips he prefers Good Women to mere “fuckmuffins.”

Now, all that being said, is woman-as-fuckmuffin all I care about? Hardly. As a matter of fact, I would throw fuckmuffin to the curb faster than you can say “patriarchy” to spend time with a woman of good character and intelligence. I have learned in life that my dick has a healthy agenda for humanity, but not necessarily for me. So as my values have matured, so has my taste in women.

Heck, it turns out he actually sort of hates “fuckmuffin.” After all, he tells us,

fuckmuffin … is prone to act indignant when she feels sexualized (by the wrong guy). She can become so angry at being “objectified” that you can see her tits shake right through that tight sweater with the neckline that plunges to the vicinity of her toes.

And then he compares her to a bug:

Time and experience will lead [men] to understand that fuckmuffin should be regarded with same respect as you would afford a stinging insect.

Basically, he explains, the only problem with lustful young men who ogle women is that they haven’t learned to hate women enough quite yet. And so women shouldn’t complain when young guys stare at them. Or when they don’t. As far as I can figure it, he thinks women shouldn’t ever complain about anything.

Leave [young men] the fuck alone. There is nothing wrong with them. Nothing needs to be fixed. If you want to help a young man like that, just start encouraging him to connect the dots between fuckmuffin’s propensity to take her own picture and post it to Facebook four times a day and her ultimate tendency to make him miserable. Eventually he will get the connection. And if he doesn’t, maybe that makes him happy. Either way, it is none of your fucking business.

And so ends what’s probably the strangest work of erotica I think I’ve ever read.

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cloudiah
9 years ago

Really? You’re gonna cite Eivind Berge?

katz
9 years ago

since male sexuality is worthless or has a negative value

Yeah, seriously! Look how negatively this poor man’s sexuality is portrayed.

(Why yes, I do plan to respond to Chump only in Disney villain songs. I just hope he gets bored before I run through all the good ones and get down to, like, Saludos Amigos, because I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even have a villain.)

Marie
Marie
9 years ago

@katz

(Why yes, I do plan to respond to Chump only in Disney villain songs. I just hope he gets bored before I run through all the good ones and get down to, like, Saludos Amigos, because I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even have a villain.)

I am a fan of this idea, but sadly you have already played my favorite disney villian song first XD

Fade
9 years ago

*Women get an enormous thrill out of rejecting men. It’s like having an orgasm while winning an Oscar and eating chocolate-covered bacon. God it’s good. When a man submits his Application To Get Laid to a woman, she looks for any excuse to reject him, because she’s just itching for that thrill. A woman’s ideal evening is rejecting fifteen men and going home alone(to her vibrator for all the orgasms she wants, perhaps?), and it’s up to a man’s luck or skill to break that streak.

Okay, I’ve been reading Holly Cliff Pervocracy’s blog for a while… and unless my memory fails me, ze was being sarcastic then.

Marie
Marie
9 years ago

@fade

I am so disappointed I didn’t read that, since my mind immediately assumed ‘well, I’ve read all pervocracy’s posts already’ and didn’t think he’d be taking them out of context XD Of course, it’s still pretty obviously sarcastic out of context, I’m just lolling at troll boy.

katz
9 years ago

I am a fan of this idea, but sadly you have already played my favorite disney villian song first XD

But there’s so many more opportunities! When he starts talking about how Western women are going to get what’s coming to them? “Be Prepared!” When he says that there are totally real women offline who agree with him? “Friends on the Other Side!”

And, of course, every post talking about the plight of men calls for “Poor Unfortunate Souls,” the song my parents would start singing whenever we complained about anything.

Fade
9 years ago

We need to play friends on the other side! I love that song!

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
9 years ago

Just because it is satirical and sarcastic doesn’t mean it can’t be used years later out of context to prove a point not worth making!

katz
9 years ago

Okay, I’ve been reading Holly Cliff Pervocracy’s blog for a while… and unless my memory fails me, ze was being sarcastic then.

I’ve gone ahead and dug up the post. It opens with:

Yes, it’s sarcastic. The things below? Not actually true. I thought this was apparent to anyone who had spent time on Earth.

Marie
Marie
9 years ago

@katz

You’re right. It would be a shame to stop there. Friends on the Other Side is from Princess and the Frog, right? It’s the Princess movie it took me the longest to see, but I loved Naveen and Tiana and hated everyone else didn’t care much for all those annoying animals.

Fade
9 years ago

*crosses fingers*

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
9 years ago

Argenti Aertheri
@Push-ups

Modify them. Straight backed, hands at shoulders, up down up down up down is actually one of the harder kind of pushs ups. Put your knees down, do those. Stand in a door way, hands on the door frame, and lean in 5-10 times. Grab the edge of a table, straight back, lean down, back up, 5-10 times. Then wait a minute and do it again.

There’s a book by Paul Wade, called Convict Conditioning. I don’t buy into the entire “RAWR RAWR PRISON STRONG!” bullshit, because it’s *silly*, but he has a very very good 10 step progression of simple body exercises – push ups, squats, pull ups, with each of them divided into 10 simple steps that start out really easy (door frame thing) and end up (push up case) one handed push ups. I started with that and I can do actual push ups now.

Basically follow pecunium’s advice!

@AnotherFrustratedChump:

Pervocracy was arguing against your exact points. Her statements meant to indicate that those assertions were spurious, and the grounding for insane belief systems – that the entire structure that supported it was what LED to people misunderstanding life, attraction, love and inter personal relationships. Here, I’ll get it for you:

NOTE TO PEOPLE READING THIS POST:
1) Yes, it’s sarcastic. The things below? Not actually true. I thought this was apparent to anyone who had spent time on Earth.
2) If you post a bitter trolly comment, I won’t let it through moderation unless I have a funny comeback.
3) Go out and make some friends. You might or might not get laid. Either way you’ll be happier and know more about how humans actually work.
-Holly Pervocracy, 5/1/2012

DUDE-BRO. COME ON.

Are you saying that these things are the corner stone of a belief system wherein women are capracious hunters of value while men are slaves to their boners?
Then yes!

Or are you saying these statements are right? THEN COME ON.

Marie
Marie
9 years ago

Just because it is satirical and sarcastic doesn’t mean it can’t be used years later out of context to prove a point not worth making!

Again glad I wasn’t drinking anything XD That happens a lot with you guys 😉

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

No wonder Chump is frustrated. He can’t read.

LaightTempest
LaightTempest
9 years ago

@pecunium from HuffPost: compare the case of Drew Peterson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/21/drew-peterson-sentenced-e_n_2735356.html?utm_hp_ref=drew-peterson, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/22/drew-peterson-prison-sent_n_2744528.html to Elzbieta Plackowska http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/21/elzbieta-plackowska-naper_1_n_2170767.html, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/02/elzbieta-plackowska-naper_0_n_2063848.html

For the same crime, they’re portrayed in dramatically different angles. While both were seen as somewhat unstable, Peterson is labeled as a ‘psychopath’ and ‘cold-blooded killer,’ while the articles on Plackowska was built on excuse after excuse that attempted to humanize her – her father’s death, her excuse that murdering her son was b/c of her husband, taking the victims’ bodies to a church to “repent.”

Kittehserf
9 years ago

Damn, read the thread and chocolate deprivation gets mentioned …

::heads to fridge::

pecunium
9 years ago

RavenLaight: Compare the two.

No. Go back and read why I won’t.

@pecunium I didn’t misunderstand. there’s reciprocal and non-reciprocal DV, with a 50/50 (+/-10) split, and 35% is half of 70%.

Yeah, and you used the 70 percent number, without qualifying it.

I agree, you were dishonest.

I don’t see any reason to think you’ve stopped; or that this was the limit of your dishonesty.

Myoo
Myoo
9 years ago

@LaightTempest

For the same crime, they’re portrayed in dramatically different angles.

Oh, for the love of Glob, stop being dishonest:

– The articles are written by different people, Michael Tarm in the case of Drew Peterson and Sara Burnett and Don Babwin in Elzbieta Plackowska’s case;

– It was not the same crime, Drew Peterson killed his third wife while Elzbieta Plackowska killed two children she was babysitting;

– The article on Peterson is about his trial while Plackowska had not yet gone to court at the time the article on her was written;

– The article on Peterson does NOT label him a “cold-blooded killer”, and the only mention of “psychopath” is a quote from the prosecuting attorney;

– In the article about Plackowska there are several humanizing parts, yes, and there is also this bit (warning – violence):

Authorities say she stabbed them dozens of times as they begged for their lives.

– In the article about Peterson there are several humanizing parts as well:

The former suburban Chicago police officer, whose case attracted widespread media attention and inspired a TV movie, entered the maximum-security Stateville prison outside Joliet early Friday.

“I had prepared him for 60,” one of his attorneys, Joe Lopez, said Friday. “He felt good … He thought he might get more.”

Appearing calm as he sat to address the judge at Thursday’s sentencing, the usually calm Peterson suddenly exploded. Looking at Savio’s family, he leaned into a microphone and shouted, “I did not kill Kathleen!” He then made a 30-minute statement, during which he cried, shook uncontrollably and stopped several times to regain his composure.

On Friday, Lopez said his client still believed he had been railroaded by Will County prosecutors.

Your examples do not show what you think they show, stop it, you’re not convincing anyone.

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

Laight/Raven: Give it up already. Stop trying to hammer your weak shit into something substantial. Or keep flailing about dishonestly, it’s up to you.

LaightTempest
LaightTempest
9 years ago

@Myoo Yeah, that display of emotion from Peterson – his quaking at the stand while frothing at the mouth and vehemently denying himself – was characterized as wrath, which only emphasized his violent nature. And @pecunium, do you really think even one news site keeps tabs on each judge and each prosecutor from each district and state?
@Fade i’m afraid your word won’t be enough to believe that male judges tend to dole out less time to female offenders. And men wasting away in jail longer than women is misogyny and ‘benevolent’ sexism? Unbe-fucking-lievable. How surprising that you still have to re-appropriate a female privilege (however few of those there may be) and victimize women. ‘Don’t you get it? It’s so hard to be taken seriously as a murderer in a man’s world!’

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

Shut up, Laight.

Aaliyah
9 years ago

And men wasting away in jail longer than women is misogyny and ‘benevolent’ sexism?

Pretty much. At least most of it is.

Fade
9 years ago

“Re-appropriate female privilege”

L.O.L.

And it was not re-murderer’s, it was re- 99 fucking percent of women, but I guess you wouldn’t know that from your massive confirmation bias and refusal to read anything that you haven’t written on here

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