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By David Futrelle
Right-wingers are positively obsessed with lesbian kisses these days. Yesterday I wrote about One Angry Gamer’s meltdown over a fleeting, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it same-sex kiss in the latest Star Wars movie. Meanwhile, over on The Federalist, Lutheran pastor and YouTube personality Hans Fiene is losing it over a cutesy TV commercial running on the Hallmark Channel featuring two lesbians getting hitched. Naturally, it ends with a kiss. A LESBIAN KISS.
The basic thesis of Fiene’s rambling rant, as he warns darkly in the title of his post, is that “Lesbian Ads On The Hallmark Channel Are Just The Beginning.”
The ad in question, for wedding planning site Zola.com, was originally pulled from the channel in response to protests from the unconvincingly named One Million Moms, a front group for SPLC-designated hate group the American Family Association. When this caused an even bigger protest from LGBTQ groups, Hallmark Channel executives reinstated the ad.
This, Fiene insists, is a Really Big Deal:
[E]asy as it is to cry “baby” and “bigot” at those who don’t want gay weddings lauded during commercial breaks, the truth is, like most bursts of the culture wars, this specific battle wasn’t really about the outward issue. The problem for many Christians is not so much the ad itself but what the ad represents.
And what it represents, he says, is an incursion by godless lady sodomites into the holy Christian sanctuary that is the Hallmark Channel.
You may object that the Hallmark Channel is not actually a holy Christian sanctuary at all, but a commercial cable network started by a greeting-card company. Fiene acknowledges this, declaring that
In a theological sense, the Hallmark Channel is not a Christian broadcasting network.
And its movies — even the ones about Christmas — aren’t really Christian because, among other things,
The characters rarely, if ever, pray or worship. The plots never revolve around the heroine saving a church or reading Luke’s nativity account to the flannel-clad, hunky widower’s precocious daughter.
But, he insists,
culturally speaking, Hallmark Christmas movies are noticeably Christian. The characters don’t take off their clothes, murder anyone, or use profanity.
Ah yes. Very distinct from all those other religions that celebrate naked, potty-mouthed murderers.
In any case, Fiene is convinced that the Hallmark Channel is the last refuge for harried Christian moms who just want to watch wholesome entertainment with their innocent children without having to explain lesbians to them.
[W]hen an ad featuring a lesbian couple airs during a commercial break on the Hallmark Channel, it doesn’t upset you because your fragile little Christian heart can’t handle the image of two women in wedding dresses. It upsets you because the ad indicates that the secular left, led by the LGBT mafia, have discovered your last remaining hideout, planted their flag in the ground, and claimed it as their own.
As Fiene sees it, the evil LGBT mafia has taken over all the other channels on TV, leaving helpless Christian parents terrified to let their kids “near a Thursday evening sitcom for fear they’ll contract HPV via satellite dish.”
But the evil LGBT army won’t be satisfied with merely infecting kids with STIs from space. They want MORE
The same LGBT movement that claimed almost every network and film series you and your children once watched has now claimed virtually every institution in your daily life.
You worry the local public school will indoctrinate your kids. You worry your daughter will lose her shot at a scholarship because the LGBT mobs have bullied the school board into allowing males identifying as females on women’s athletic teams. You’re no longer welcome at your LGBT-compliant local library if you don’t want sexual deviants dancing in front of your children.
That last bit is a reference to Drag Queen Story Hour, a popular attraction at many libraries around the country in which, um, drag queens read stories to kids. It is not, as far as I know, mandatory. Yet.
Now that even the Hallmark Channel has fallen, can Christmas itself remain untainted by the LGBT menace?
“The LGBT Mob Won’t Stop at Hallmark,” Fiene warns, declaring that said mob
probably won’t be content to take away every metaphorical sanctuary we have and then stop short of seizing our literal ones. If they wouldn’t let us celebrate cheesy Hallmark Christmas without celebrating their sin, they won’t let us celebrate actual Jesus Christmas that way either.
I’m not sure that even Fiene knows what he means by that last bit. How exactly would one go about lesbifying Christmas? Does Fiene imagine that all Christian Americans will be required by law to give each other sensible shoes for Christmas to appease the lesbian over
lordsladies? That they’ll have to throw out all their Christmas music and replace it with Ani DiFranco and the Indigo Girls? That the Christmas carol “O Little Town of Bethlehem” be replaced by “O Little Town of Northampton?” That It’s a Wonderful Life will be banned and everyone forced to binge-watch Orange is the New Black instead? That Joseph and Mary will be replaced by Josephine and Mary?
I dunno. I think a lesbified Christmas might be sort of fun.