By David Futrelle
The last time we checked in on YouTube
philosopher racist crackpot Stefan Molyneux, he was trying his hand at slam poetry, sort of. Now he’s become a beauty blogger. Or beauty tweeter, anyway, unleashing a veritable tweetstorm on the subject of makeup over the last several days.
I’ve been going through his tweets and have extracted these Six Fun New Makeup Tips for Devious Females.
Simulate the look of sexual arousal by painting your lips a deep red because everyone who’s had actual sex with real human females knows that their lips turn the shade of a cherry whenever they’re feeling really horny. It’s just science!
Use lipstick to arouse the male’s monkey brain, because obviously our primate ancestors wore tons of makeup. (Just don’t go too far and arouse the lizard brain because then the guy you’re trying to win might ignore you and start trying to catch nearby flies with his tongue.)
Use makeup to hide the fact that you’re a wrinkled old crone of, oh, 45 or so.
Use makeup to manipulate gullible men and extract their man-resources!
Feeling hungry? Apply lipstick at once and get some beta male dupe to pay for your $100 dinner.
Use makeup to con wealthy investors into pouring millions of dollars into your fraudulent blood testing startup!
Now, I suppose I should add that the last woman who pulled this particular long con got caught and is probably going to jail. But honestly, gals, her makeup skills were pretty basic, at best; surely you can do a better job and succeed where she failed!
COMING SOON (probably): Stefan takes aim at the dastardly tool of dude manipulation known as the Wonderbra.
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