By David Futrelle
Love works in mysterious ways! A couple of days ago, a lovelorn — or at least horny — young Redditor spammed every relevant subreddit he could think of — from r/relationships to r/AmITheAsshole — with a post asking for advice on a very particular romantic dilemma he found himself in.
On the off chance that this was a real post and not just a trollish experiment, I thought I’d share his post with you all, as it’s one of the worst things I’ve seen since, well, this past Tuesday.
Our lusty Redditor, a twenty year-old fellow who calls himself BrettTheBeast, wonders: Would it be so wrong to hit on a girl whose life I ruined in middle school?
And yes, he really and truly did ruin her life:
So, in middle school, there was this girl i used to pick on because she was fat. I called her horrible names, stole her things, put a picture of her head on the picture of a pig and put it on her locker, and i gave her a nickname that followed her all around school, and was just awful to her. She always ended up crying and she actually transferred to another school (either because of me or her parents just moved. I heard 2 stories.)
You put a picture of her head on the picture of a pig and put it on her locker? She may have CHANGED SCHOOLS because of you?
Now look, i KNOW I WAS AN ASSHOLE for that. But i was 12 and my family has a very negative view of overweight people. I feel horrible about it.
Clearly you don’t feel horrible enough about it.
[W]hat i want judgement on is this.
[I] discovered her on Facebook again and she’s actually pretty damn hot now. She dropped all her baby fat and has grown up to be quite doable. The only fat on her now is her breasts (seriously, she’s, like, an F cup.)
Jesus Christ, dude.
And, i got to thinking. There’s something i want to do. I want to add her as a friend and send her a message to “apologize”.
You can tell that this will be a really heartfelt and sincere apology because he can’t even use the word apology without putting it in scare quotes.
And also because of this:
I do feel guilty, but i have somewhat of an ulterior motive. I want to apologize and ask her to meet up for coffee with her. While there, i want to make a move on her.
Excuse me for a second.
Ok, I’m back.
I was thinking i apoligize and start complimenting her on how beautiful she’s become and maybe make a move on her. Just rub her leg or something.
“Yeah, so sorry about stealing your shit and that pig picture on your locker! Don’t mind me while I KINO ESCALATE on your leg, which isn’t as fat as I remember it!”
I haven’t talked to her yet, she probably doesn’t even remember me.
Uh, dude, I’m pretty sure she remembers you.
Would this be scummy of me? Would i be an asshole if i hit up this girl with the intent of trying to seduce her?
Signs point to yes.
If you’re looking for a silver lining on this, pretty much everyone on Reddit agreed that, yes, this guy is a huge asshole. Even the creeps in the Ask The Red Pill subreddit.
Well, most of them, anyway. Then there was this guy:
Somehow he managed to make a followup comment that was even worse:
I just …
That’s enough posting for the day.
H/T — Relationships.txt (@redditships) on Twitter.
We Hunted the Mammoth is independent and ad-free, and relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!