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By David Futrelle
Last week Celine Dion launched a new clothing line for children with a slick but exceedingly strange little video in which the oddball Canadian chanteuse, playing the part of some action movie heroine, slipped into the maternity ward of a hospital and magically replaced the pink and blue outfits of a roomful of newborns with gender-neutral, black-and-white onesies from her collection — before being wrestled to the ground by a security guard.
The creepy ad, and the minimalist unisex outfits themselves — some sporting stars and triangles, others featuring the phrase “New Order” — seem almost calculated to cause conspiracy theorists and right-wing religionists alike to lose it. And so they have, with an assortment of unhinged YouTubers posting countless videos denouncing Celine’s “ILLUMINATI GENDERLESS CLOTHING LINE FOR CHILDREN,” and one Catholic priest — literally an exorcist — telling the National Catholic Reporter that the clothing line was “definitely satanic,” possibly stemming from a demonic dimension. “The devil is going after children by confusing gender,” he explained.
On Twitter, conspiracy enthusiasts and religious fanatics alike are spelling out their objection in countless furious and sometimes all-caps tweets. Some, like the aforementioned exorcist, see evidence of the work of … could it be? … SATAN?
More than a few of the comments have a rather threatening tone to them.
One commenter even goes so far as to suggest that Celine’s famous song from Titanic is somewhat overrated.
While some of Celine’s fashion critics focus on the supposed occult symbolism — with some seeing the plus signs on some of the clothes as inverted crosses — others are more distressed by the fact that the boy babies and the girl babies are wearing the same clothes, seeing the unisex outfits as evidence that Celine is attacking the gender binary itself, conspiring to make children genderless and destroy the family to boot.
While some worry about the world being taken over by the Prince of Darkness himself, this Wall-loving Trump fan thinks the real endgame of Celine’s gender-neutral clothing line is … tighter gun laws!
Some of Celine’s critics are convinced that one of the outfits in the collection is intended to turn small children into budding antifa activists.
A few think the real point of Celine’s gender-neutral stance is to undermine fathers and men in general.
These people have convinced themselves that unisex onesies with stars on them are part of a vast evil plot, possibly orchestrated by Satan himself, to destroy families and possibly the world itself.
How do they manage to make it through Halloween every year without their heads exploding?