Check out the eggs on her!
By David Futrelle
Fellas! Be careful out there! Always wear a gas mask when you’re in the vicinity of an egg-laying lady, lest she ensnare you with her secret love gas!
Here’s today’s sexy science lesson, which I found on Reddit’s Bad Women’s Anatomy subreddit. (Obviously this post only applies to cis women’s anatomy, or it would, anyway, if it bore any relation to reality.) I’m not sure where it came from originally. I hope it was a joke, but sadly I suspect it was not.
Thanks, Mr. Science!
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say WHAT???
What.
The.
Helling.
Ass.
My initial reaction is not showing up as I type this, but I stand by it. I mean, I get whence “the days of egg laying” come, but “they give off a gas (through their skin)”… I begin to wonder if they really do believe “foids” are a separate species from us Teh Menz.
Or it could be a clever poe. “And but something changes” reads like an attempt to use “And but so”, the compound conjunction that had replaced “Also” for everyday-use purposes in the Twenty Minutes into the Future of the late David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.
(Arrested Development narrator: “He had never actually read Infinite Jest; in fact, much of what he knew about it came from reading Elliot McGucken gritching about it on alt.society.generation-x and alt.culture.jollyroger back in the Nineties.”)
Dave you couldn’t have written a better MRA/incel parody if you tried.
I mean, he is very, very, very, very slightly correct in that when ovulating women do give off pheromones that do result in men in close proximity finding them ever so slightly more attractive, and apparently also cause men to drink more (see this study https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4469196/) but it’s not like they instantly cause all men in the vicinity to want to have sex with them, nor do they “make them all almost equally attractive”.
Also, whatever faint bit of fact he has in there is completely buried under the whole egg-laying & giving off gas nonsense.
Hurr. I’m fairly certain that there have been some old papers about regarding what sort of people smells women prefer, and how they might rate attractiveness, and how those opinions might change over a menstrual cycle. I’m going to go out on a limb here, though, and say that hardly anyone can tell whether a woman is ovulating just by looking at her.
Maybe “love gas” was supposed to be “pheromone”? It isn’t even clear that humans even have a functional organ to detect those, but who lets facts get in the way of this fetishy fantasies?
Not me!! (hee hee)
It’s as if a six-year-old was told a very basic outline of the lady side of “the birds and the bees” and then asked to repeat back what he heard.
I really, really hope it’s an issue with Google Translate.
Well, that made me cackle. But not because I’m laying an egg OR giving off laughing gas.
But does she breathe through her skin? (points if you get the reference)
I think some of this might be attributable to a language barrier. The spelling of “fotos” seems to imply that the poster’s first language is not English. Possibly Spanish?
(Obviously this post only applies to cis women’s anatomy, or it would, anyway, if it bore any relation to reality.)
“No hon, that’s just my ovipositor. Haven’t you ever seen a woman naked before?”
Poe’s law strikes again.
Pretty sure this is but another troll trying to be flippant and probably drunk posted that shit. This can’t be are!
I could deal with laying an egg each month, provided it’s smaller than a chicken egg. Would be less annoying than menstruation.
And it’d make childbirth a whole a hell of a lot easier. If you had a fertilized egg and wanted to hatch it, you could stick it in an incubator and go about your business. 🙂
(So what if I’m jealous of birds? They get to fly! And be the descendants of dinosaurs! What’s not to like?)
Well the gas i emit doesnt come out of my skin and seems to detract menfolk.
Heyooooo fart jokes!!
Cornychips, I was going to post that exact same thing. What do the dude bros think of cis female flatulence? Is it dangerous? Inquiring minds must know.
I’m pretty sure that according to them, ‘real women’ don’t fart, and if they do, it’s a hideous demonstration of no class and it means they’re a foid anyways.
Because you know, god forbid they might be humans with actual bodily functions too.
They really need to stick to RealDolls.
I wonder if this person didn’t read a poorly translated version of one of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter books. Women on Barsoom lay eggs.
What the purple fuck is this nonsense?
SCENE: INTERIOR OF FITNESS GYM. TWO WOMEN ON ELLIPTICAL TRAINERS.
WOMAN 1: Grunt! Ugh
WOMAN 2: Are you okay? What are you doing?
WOMAN 1: Laying my monthly egg. Me nest here. Me want strong Hulk man. Ba-cuck cuck CUCK!
(An EGG appears. A MAN on a nearby wrist-enlarging machine stops and stares. His canthal starts to tilt.)
MAN: Say, do I detect gas? And softer skin coloring?
WOMAN 2: That’s what it’s guessed to be.
(All three fall into pensive silence. On the TV screen, a chyron announces that male scientists are now pinning blame on women for the greenhouse effect.)
“A little knowledge” is a dangerous thing.
@Skylalalalalalala
Ohhhhhhh dear. A scientific study on female sexuality. That’s a massive can of worms right there. Stuart Brody anyone?
At least the researchers have the decency to admit that female sexuality is studied with all of the nuance and careful contextualising of evopsych-based morality.
Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe the scientific method is the backbone of society, but un-malewashed studies on female sexuality are basically rainbow-maned unicorns.
Wat
Just wat
@Nowherepants
That’s not how Poe’s law works. If you’re “pretty sure” that is a troll, then the whole “real thing impossible to tell from satire” probably doesn’t apply, does it?
Assuming that all idiot assholes are jokers allows the actual idiot assholes to hide behind that excuse. So maybe don’t do that?
Does this scholar of women’s bodies find us desirable?
Or disgusting?
Yes. Yes, he does.
Also, he is terrified of us.
Maybe he means toad ‘women’?
I mean, this must just be a pisstake of manosphere pseudoscience, mustn’t it? It’s just too ridiculous.
But, then, the fact that this might possbly be real MRA crap does just go to prove Poe’s Law, you’re right.
@Cybergette
Thanks. I enjoyed the laugh. (Ovipositor… *snerk*)
——————
@Epitome of incomprehensibility
Good point. Wings, laying eggs, children of the dinosaurs. I could go with that.
Or the way the Tenctonese do it, where the women carry the kid for the first half, then transfer the baby to the male to finish off the pregnancy. Can you imagine how our igno-boys would react to that idea?
@ JessicaRed
It is indeed, but still not a patch on total ignorance and making things up!
Just been reading reviews of Michael Lewis’s book on the Orange One’s administration and how nobody even came to find out what the different departments do and how they do it. That seems to be pretty much the lesson of the book: ignorance can be deadly.
It’s a miracle these guys can even figure out how to brush their teeth.
I have seen anti-birth control pill types claim that natural birth control via fertility awareness is easy because a man can tell that his wife is fertile by smelling her scalp.
David Futrelle,
You sure that this guy isn’t describing an extraterrestrial women and this is part of some weird sci fi story. I think that pretty much everyone on the planet knows that human women don’t lay eggs.
I think this is just a bad translator bot, myself. You know, the kind that yoinks core copy and replaces the text with synonyms to avoid screening?
If that’s true, the idea that people actually think incels are worth specific bot-targeting may disturb me me more than having someone out there who’s actually spewing this.
Ready for my scathing takedown that implies I’m somehow actually supporting the idea that women lay eggs, now.
@ corny, Katherine, bananana;
Hot girls don’t POOP… they do, however, fart….
Is scalp smelling part of their foreplay?
Maybe smelling your wife’s scalp is an effective form of birth control because it’s enormously off-putting.
@ skullpants
Thank you for this gem. And the whole piece. They were the best thing about my day, and my day was pretty ok actually.
Maybe this incel is a Martian from Edgard Rice Burroughs Mars novels
My vespene gas brings all the terran colonist to the yard.
What about menopausal women? Perhaps we exude a man-repelling gas. Yes, that must be it. That, plus a little bean and cabbage induced flatulence, should keep me safe from these guys. ☺
@dust bunny Thank you! It makes me happy to hear your day is going well…hope the rest of it was good too 🙂
@Dormousing_it
No, we exhude a gas that makes us invisible. Quite usefully so on occasion.
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Now I’m imagining Chicken Lady on an elliptical, an explosion of feathers as soon as MAN speaks…
Lots of geekery in this thread and yet ever since saint_somnia’s breathes-through-skin challenge its all been very…
…quiet?
@saint_somnia:
@Cheerful Warthog:
Ah yes; Quiet from Metal Gear Solid: The Phantom Pain, whose designer disability requires her to maintain a vow of silence and wear minimal clothing; I’m somewhat cynically disappointed that Kojima didn’t throw in a compulsion to make sammiches. (That said, the idea of targeted viral sabotage of languages and therefore cultures is powerfully intriguing.)
Full Metal Ox:
That’s Kojima all over, really, isn’t it? “I’m going to bring up an interesting, powerful idea, a point that allows for artistry and interest, that can truly be interrogated and can even confront my audience. Now I’m going to cover this idea in juvenalia and sexism. Now a dash of John Carpenter and/or 80s music… and we’re done!”
A brilliant artist in many ways, certainly an auteur, but “flawed” doesn’t come close to covering him.
Wait, now I’m confused. Is this “hysterectomy” operation I’m having in December to remove a uterus-thing, or an ovipositor-thing?
I guess I’m no longer giving off gas through my skin, because the Chads just aren’t coming around anymore.
(I’m having a hysterectomy in December to remove a uterus or ovipositor full of polyps and benign tumors. Not that anyone was worried about me or anything, but just in case anyone wondered.)
@Cheerful Warthog:
A confession is in order: I’ve never actually played Metal Gear Solid; I got the gist of it from a Tumblr comm called Bikini Armor Battle Damage.
Here (if you’ve not seen this already) is one (male) gamer’s exasperated critique of Quiet’s uniform (warning for NSFW language):
http://bikiniarmorbattledamage.tumblr.com/post/129199254102/daniel-submitted-jim-sterlings-take-on-quiet