I hate the f*ckin eagles, man
So I’m kind of obsessed with the images of burly men in peril that you find on the covers of vintage men’s magazines. One of the things that makes these old covers so charming, aside from the completely ridiculous animal attacks depicted on them, is that the cover art doesn’t always match the headlines that appear on top of it.
And so you get things like the above, clipped from an old Stag magazine cover. You can see the entire cover here; once there, right-click and pick “open link” for the high-res version.
![I think we have a new [NSFW] catchphrase!](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/inkling-circus.jpg?resize=50%2C50)
Gives a whole new meaning to ‘getting in touch with nature’…
“Eagle stop attacking me! I only want to poach your chicks when I’m rock climbing!”
“Male eagles get really pissed off if they come home and catch you trying to get it on with their mates.” – Dr Shailer Upton Lawton
The stoners here might get this…
My first thought on seeing that image is that the man is doomed: the eagle is already inside his guard and swooping; he’ll probably rip out the guy’s eyes and/or tear out his throat with his talons in another 0.3 seconds.
Angry eagle vs men’s adventurer mag man. That’s a combination found in nature, yep.
I’m not a stoner, but I fuckin hate the Eagles, man.
My personal favorite sex tip: never let a hungry vampire give you a blowjob.
See, the problem here is we’re looking at this picture the wrong way. Clearly the man has already had sex with the Eagle, and the chicks in the nest are his. The Eagle is attacking him because he was trying to get a paper abortion and she wants to divorce-rape his wallet so she can sit around all day doing nothing but watching television and eating bonbons.
Also, what sort of name is “Bald” Eagle? Everyone knows that men go bald way more often than women do. It’s like an Illuminati of Misandry! Wheels within Wheels!
I love that it’s “Sexual Facts”, not “Sex Tips”. The goal isn’t to improve, it’s just to be even more of a bore at parties.
I’m going to steal that Big Lebowski joke for the picture caption.
Apparently Glenn Frey was seriously pissed that The Dude didn’t like the Eagles.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/artists/glenn-frey-was-angry-at-the-big-lebowski-mocking-the-eagles/
Also this:
I don’t think I’d stab anyone over the Eagles. Billy Joel, maybe.
Might as well post that Big Lebowski scene. Ilooked it up to make sure I was quoting The Dude properly and it turns out I wasn’t!
@ David F
You should get a rug for your blog. It’d really pull the site together.
Why am I picturing the headline “10 ways to excite your eagle mate” Maybe I spent too much time on the internet…..
@PI You made me snort-laugh 😀
An eagle is a rather noble animal to meet in this context. Usually the man-hating critters of the stag-mag covers were of a more lowly variety…like chipmunks or minks.
@ Alan Robertshaw
“Alvin the Alpha”
@Alan
“Aaal-vin!” When I was a kid, I got such a kick out of the Chipmunks every holiday season. I loved their childish anarchy.
++++++++
What I’d like to know is what the mountain climber said to the eagle to infuriate her. Dude, learn how to talk to eagles and you’ll have no problem with them!
Hello.
Well, according to the cover, the story is “Man alone” (some kind of survival), so it is a man climbing alone a mountain, fighting an eagle, spanking a monkey, whatever.
And maybe the sexual facts are genuine facts, like : do not pull too hard the hair of your balls, it hurts ; do not try to use string and weights to elongate your penis, it just hurts ; do not try to “muscle it up”, cause it is the relaxation of the crotch muscle that allows the blood to flow correctly, a bigger muscle just make it more difficult ; your semen is not a magical substance that makes your partner have an orgasm just by its contact ; if you are hard since more than 4 hours, go to the emergencies ; and so on.
This kind of book being totally realist and professionnal, i am absolutely sure this is this kind of advices and facts, and not machoto degrading spurious counsels.
Have a nice day.
Because no-one has linked this one yet: Paintings of Prometheus where it looks like the eagle is his boyfriend
He appears to be attacking the eagle with a pen. I appreciate the metaphor, but I believe I would have gone with the sword.
OT
The Guardian has a new documentary on Internet trolls. So far, I’ve watched only a few minutes, but it looks good:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/ng-interactive/2017/mar/10/the-internet-warriors-meet-the-trolls-in-their-own-homes-video
Kat, I haven’t watched that video yet, being at work, but the Internet warriors quoted in the article are such charmers! Such as the first guy:
And the accompanying photo is exactly as you’d imagine. It’s like these people are all from Central Troll Casting. Although the last one provides some hope.
@Kat
I’ve asked for a Spotlight level look at the inner lives of internet trolls and I think I got it (or at least the start of it). I mean, the photos that accompany the article just says it all, doesn’t it? Just the saddest schlubs industrialized capitalism can poop onto the information superhighway. Weaponized ignorance, immunity to cognitive dissonance, Dunning-Kruger, flagrant hypocrisy and stunning lack of self-awareness… it’s in all these people in spades.
I was hoping for more of these kind of stories to find some solution to this issue, and I was always of the opinion that easing the economic burden would give these people fulfilling enough lives that they don’t have to make others miserable for their own satisfaction. The last few months have had me questioning that conclusion.
What was it the wildlife refuge guy said on The Simpsons? “Like people, some of them are… just… jerks.”
My absolute favorite pulp magazine cover is the cover of Man’s Life, where the guy is in water getting attcked by weasels.
The man always reminds me of David Bowie.
Honestly, I could look at cover illustrations of pulp mags for hours. Old sci-fi covers, too.
Tonight I’m catching up with a couple of my old music biz buddies. A thing just came up on the news about how some chap has 9 of the top 10 chart positions. We just looked blankly at each other.
“That’s it; we’re now officially out of touch”
But what made me smile is he’s just stuck on The Eagles.
ETA: oh, now it’s Grateful Dead. Hey, even I’m not that past it.
Christina Nordlander – thanks for the link! I had not seen that, and have shared it on FB. I especially liked the reference to ‘gay death metal band’.
PeeVee – from what I’ve read, that was one of the covers commissioned without an accompanying story. Then the editor showed it to the writer and said, “Write a story in which this situation could occur.” There were also versions with bats and crabs (separately; being attacked by both at once would be implausible). Frank Zappa used the title for one of his albums.
Sexual Fact for Men #1) There is no safe way to have sex with an eagle.
@Moggie, @Gussie Jives
You both make good points.
I finally got a chance to view the documentary on trolls. They seem very unhappy and angry — and very proud of their words. I’m sure they think they’re too real for the rest of us.
I worry about the wife of the first guy. He seemed even angrier than the rest.
And I found the reactions of the people in these trolls’ lives interesting. They just put on a blank face, maybe disagree mildly with the troll, and attempt to get on with their lives.
TW: Simulation of sexual violence
Wall Street guy shits (figuratively, thank Katie) all over the statue of a girl who may (or may not — YMMV) represent female empowerment.
Is he high on coke? High on stealing his clients’ hard-earned money? Dunno.
Whoever he is, I hope that both his mommy and his crush object see this photo.
My petition to Katie: May tragic hilarity ensue for him.
Dead-Eyed Bro Humps Wall Street’s ‘Fearless Girl’ Statue
http://jezebel.com/dead-eyed-bro-humps-wall-streets-fearless-girl-statue-1793187744
TW: Simulation of sexual violence
Another TW — But This Story Ends a Lot Better Than It Started Out
This one made me cry.
My new mantra: “Not today, motherfucker!”
Seattle Woman Uses Tactics She Learned from Self-Defense Class to Escape Brutal Sexual Assault
http://people.com/crime/seattle-woman-self-defense-escape-sexual-assault/
Another TW — But This Story Ends a Lot Better Than It Started Out
@Robert Walker-Smith, that’s right!
I had forgotten about that.
@Kat,
I always appreciate the links you provide. Thank you.
Re: Fearless Girl: I knew it would not be long before some asshole did that.
Re: Jogger: Ha! Good. Fuck him.
@PeeVee
I feel unbelievably naive for not predicting that.
Or maybe it’s because I live in San Francisco, where the SJW vibe is strong.
Kat,
Don’t feel bad…I’m kinda embarrassed that I did think of that; I don’t ever want to become too jaded, yanno?
I’d love to live in a welcoming community such as SF.
@PeeVee
I just happen to be incredibly lucky to live here. What with all the Silicon Valley techies wanting to live in SF — and now that Google bus is a thing — rents have gotten astronomically high. I live in a rent-controlled apartment with my boyfriend, who has lived in the place since before the neighborhood was gentrified.
People are fleeing the city of SF for its humdrum suburbs, where at least they can afford the rent.
But yeah, SF is still a tolerant, diverse, dog-loving city that cherishes its old houses.
@Kat, that’s one thing I have heard about SF: that the rents are astronomical. But those old Victorian houses…*salivating*
Now, I’m going to return your gracious link-sharing with one of my own:
Really, REALLY good article by Parker Malloy and Adam Mordecai about women and online comment abuse.
Trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault and violence.
http://www.upworthy.com/men-try-to-read-the-most-disturbing-comments-women-get-online-back-to-them
(H/T to my bestie LC)
Phew! Thanks, PeeVee. Those were terrible comments, but it’s good to see that nontrolls are deeply disturbed by having to say trolls’ words.
Dear Penthouse
I never thought this would happen to me, but here’s my story. I was out one day hiking on my favorite trail when I saw her. She was out of this world, gorgeous yet feminine like a true female should be, not like those SJW feminazis. One glance at at her strong eyes and I knew this was the female for me.
I moved closer and closer. I would make her mine just like the online classes taught me. She would be mine and only mine. I slowly unzipped my pants and my huge, engorged manhood sprung its mighty self free. I would have her. Screw the kid.
Holding my mighty spear of manhood and a large meat hook, just in case she thought of resisting. I imaged the hard thrusts I would give her, show her who’s boss. She would welcome the most incredible sexual experience of her life.
Suddenly she saw me. Instead of the welcoming glance, she screamed in anger and flew at me. Then there was an incredible pain, and I saw her flying off with my manhood, writhing in her grasp. Penthouse, what do I do now? How can I get other female now, without a penis?
Sincerely Yours,
Former Penis Holder
I know this isn’t the most recent thread and it’s not exactly the same thing, but I saw this tonight and wanted to share with David and other people who like vintage stuff.
http://www.sainthoax.com/make-america-misogynistic-again/