Nobody expects the Space Testicle Inquisition!
Next week is going to be a busy one: Republicans are trying to push Trump’s terrible cabinet picks through the confirmation process in a big hurry, so we all are going to have to step up our calling/writing congress game.
But it’s Friday, so let’s take the night off and try to figure out why the dude in the spaceship in the pic up there is being assaulted by an army of space testicles.
(If you want to know the real story behind that cover art, there’s a scan of the whole magazine linked to here. But you all can probably come up with better explanations for the space testicle army.)
See more Resist Trump Today posts here.
Everyone! I was very drunk and I have no memory of posting that birthday comment. :p
Thanks, all! Good news, it’s still my birthday! My birthday is actually today. I think I made that post after midnight, or I decided the entire weekend is my birthday this year. Either way, the party is still in effect! Wooooo
I got a pretty sweet present. My lovely wife drew me a customized agender/non-binary symbol and made an appointment for me to have it tattooed.
Today we’re binge watching TV shows and having chocolate cheesecake and penne vodka. Yummmm
@Rhuu
Wooow, that’s the most patronizing (apt turn of phrase) fuckin thing. Like, the 1st words are:
Furreal, guy? And:
It’s as if his junk became sentient and wrote a listicle
1)the whole passion thing comes down to money. Not more money, mind. He finds it incredibly sexy that a woman works (in a REAL job) at all!
2)he’s mildly annoyed by the total, widespread, societal decay caused… by kids these days not being decisive enough. Also, assertiveness can, and very often does, come from a place of lack of confidence, but let’s not overthink this dude. The head he’s currently using ain’t up to the task
3)or don’t have friends who make the women in your life uncomfortable. Or keep your friends and partner(s) in separate spheres. Or actually treat your girlfriend with the modicum decency not to make her social anxieties into a massive burden on you. An unsexy burden at that
4)*sigh*
5)if your go to for usefully contributing to a relationship is opening jars, you probably ain’t shit
6)be white, but also kinda black? That is, dominant and filthy? Come now, you weren’t even trying. And Drake? Bruh…
7)nope, not ‘drastic’. That’s precisely what you meant. You own her, cos she put on your shirt. Like some bizarro house elf
8)men need love too, yooz gize! And, if demanding to go to Wendy’s and putting up with his bros ain’t quite enough to show the depths of your caring, you could always jump his bones!
9)salty ass muffuga did summat marginally nice, didn’t get slathered in praise, and wrote a piece about it
10)yeah, no
11)don’t say “fairer sex”. Also, how are your personal, childhood boner notes considered “according to men”? Ya know, “men”? Plural and general?
12)@Rhuu got it. And what about children of single parents too? How do the gender roles work out there?
13)no, my dog is not a good judge of character. I love her to the last, but she likes any and everyone. New people of any sort send her into friendship mode. Don’t speak for Gaea, thanks much
Does popsugar do anything worthwhile, or is this basically it?
Translation time!
As far as I’m concerned, women I don’t want to fuck are invisible nothings.
Women are for having sex with! It’s a compliment! Also, I think shape and form are different things!
Seriously though you are here on earth to make my boner happy
I assume that my own sexual desires reflect how all men feel about women, because I’m self-obsessed, and maybe if it occurs to me that some men have thoughts about women that are nonsexual I might experience shame.
This is one of those statements that men make where they’re trying to be constructive but don’t understand the problem. It’s as though he has a friend who thinks she isn’t beautiful, and his solution is to assure her that yes she is, rather than to assure her that her value isn’t centered in a man’s boner. He thinks he’s being helpful, but he isn’t, because he’s just perpetuating the model that women are only valuable for their looks.
Usually men don’t react well when I point out that they think they’re being helpful but they aren’t, because their boners really aren’t the center of the universe. They get pissy and angry and don’t take it constructively.
I’m still stuck on the contradiction of “be all fragile so I can be manly” and “be confident, assertive, outgoing and decisive.” It’s not like he’s even the only one to do it. Every magazine, every listicle, every advice column ever does that shit. Be cool and confident so you don’t bore men with your petty girl problems. Emotional labor is women’s work after all. But don’t be too smart and opinionated. That might make him feel insecure and give him a boner sad! Unlike icky girl insecurities, man feels are extremely important and we must fix them. If that means magically knowing when to stop being cool and confident in favor of being weak and submissive, so be it!
Have a job so I don’t have to support you, but not a higher prestige job than my own. Have opinions, but make sure they match or complement my own. Grab my arm so that I feel like I can protect you, but don’t be so weak that I might actually have to protect you.
Happy birthday, IP!
This is just a bush-beating yet manipulative way of demanding BJs and anal, isn’t it.
(And happy birthday, IP!)
That whole listicle reads like some guy took all the things about his ex that make his boner sad and reversed him to make the list positive.
1. WHEN YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR SOMETHING = My ex wasn’t passionate* about anything I noticed or cared about.
2. WHEN YOU’RE DECISIVE = My ex would never just make a decision (because society trained her not to assert her wants and needs).
3. WHEN YOU GET ALONG WITH OUR FRIENDS = My ex wouldn’t just laugh off those rape jokes my college buddies always make. It’s just a joke, lighten up already!
4. WHEN YOU TOUCH US = My ex didn’t like to touch me as much as I wanted to be touched.
5. WHEN YOU MAKE US FEEL USEFUL = My ex insisted on opening jars herself, even when I would insist that she was incapable of the simple task!
6. WHEN YOU KNOW DIRTY RAP LYRICS = My ex didn’t like Drake. 🙁
7. WHEN YOU WEAR OUR CLOTHES = My ex wouldn’t wear my shirt after sexytimes. 🙁
8. WHEN YOU INITIATE ANYTHING SEXUAL = My ex didn’t initiate sexytimes often enough. 🙁
9. WHEN YOU APPRECIATE THINGS WE’VE DONE = My ex never once thanked me for opening jars for her!
10. WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE JUST BECAUSE WE DO = My ex wasn’t into all of my hobbies and wouldn’t do them even when I “gave [her] hell” for it.
11. WHEN YOU WEAR LIPSTICK = My ex was one of those gross feminazis who refuse to wear makeup. 🙁
12. WHEN YOU GENUINELY GET ALONG WITH THE FOLKS = My ex didn’t go in the kitchen in a stranger’s house to help serve me and my male relatives! I also refuse to see why she can’t be my mom’s bestie and hang out with her even when I’m not there. What a bitch.
13. WHEN THE DOG LOVES YOU = My ex doesn’t care for dogs and that makes her a horrible person.
*Note that women are neither allowed to be passionate about things which are deemed feminine (my coworkers all talk about how baking is a male colleague’s passion but when I bring up my baking I get the “of course you bake” looks and coworkers are surprised I know a lot of the chemistry behind it, but not when he does), nor about things which are masculine unless it’s an acceptably cute masculine hobby.
And I thought I had specific kinks…
Any random 12 year old kid knows dirty rap lyrics. A woman who knows Nick Cave lyrics about murder is one that will truly win my heart.
@LindsayIrene
Now I have Red Right Hand stuck in my head because that’s my goto Nick Cave song.
@LindsayIrene
I know a hell of a lot more murder ballads than just the ones Nick Cave covered…
@LindsayIrene,
That’s… the most beautiful and perfect sentence ever written. I’m sold 😁😁
That “oh touch us so that we feel like we’re protecting you” and “make us feel useful” spiel is particularly interesting in the face of the:
“You should DEFINITELY feign helplessness when it means that I don’t actually have to do anything significant to help you, but NEVER ask me to do something to make you less uncomfortable in a situation if it might even marginally inconvenience me. Got it? Good.”
I just realized how gross “you can stand your ground with our buddies and their significant others without any social assistance” sounds. “Stand your ground” is something a person does when under assault. Why are your buddies assaulting your girlfriend, Listicle Guy? Why are you okay with this happening? Is this why you don’t have a girlfriend today, and why you are pouring your “ideal girlfriend” emotions into a listicle in the first place?
@ Dalillama
Knowing lyrics to Child ballads will work, too.
Since we’re already totally off-topic, there’s a trailer for The Handmaid’s Tale out!
Them edgelords cooked up something again, and it failed hilariously again.
I mean, seriously ? Weak-ass hoax.
Oh, hai Martin Shkreli, you ambulatory anal gland blockage.
I know bigots fail every subject ever, but they don’t even know what gender means apparently. An adult male with developmental delays who is cognitively equivalent to a 13 year old child would still be male. Because child isn’t a gender.
Honestly, I think the channers were just hoping the clovergender thing would take off so they could use it as an excuse to molest kids 🙁
@Sinkable John
Thank you Snopes. (Not sure how the fuck AGE is a determining factor in gender anyway. Or sexuality. Which is separate thing. I guess lesbians and gay men aren’t women or men to them.)
@Rhuu
Why do I get the sudden urge to back away slowly?
/images of people eyeing you constantly while you’re drawing/writing/trying to beat my pokemon battle tree high score
But I really don’t care, food is food.
But I don’t like your friends, I don’t like to party, and I don’t like to feel like I have to be on guard.
Then why do I feel less secure and feel like I’m being reduced to a security blanket?
But I can do it already, I don’t wish to be a bother.
Okay that is absurdly specific. I doubt he knows of aesop rock or even Doom.
M-muh fetish, y-yes I like it when you do that spaghetti’s through the monitor
Basic human empathy how rare
But I don’t want to do the things I don’t like to do just to please you. I don’t want you to do things that you’re not going to enjoy, so why expect that from me.
But I don’t get along with your folks, we don’t even talk to them often, why does this matter to you?
It takes alot to make a dog not like you.
@IP, HAPPY EXTENDED BIRTHDAY!
DOUBLE BIRTHDAY PARTY SURPRISE!
Re “clover-gender” (after an eye-roll so massive I can now see through the back of my head)
How surprising (not) that Lauren Southern re-tweeted this in apparent seriousness. Why are these people so freaking obsessed with paedophilia? Actually, don’t answer that.
After snorting and eye-rolling came anger – because of course this is not ‘just’ a prank or a victimless jolly jape. It’s going to hurt actual non-binary and trans people, being seen as on par with paedophiles and treated accordingly.
This is one reason I get so furious when people insist that Milo et al, or channers, are just mischievous, albeit sophisticated, pranksters.
On a lighter note, the take-downs of that article that rhuu linked to have been works of brilliance 🙂
@LindsayIrene
I know every murder ballad in Child, and Lomax too.
@ Dalillama
I’m going to swoon now.
Shorter listicle:
Intuit my every whim and passing fancy. Indulge it.
Thanks, babe!
In the link, proud2exist says this:
No known surgery at this time?
Not even open-heart surgery? Or a heart transplant?
Dude, learn to troll.
Nothing stalkerish or creepy about that.
Nope, nothing at all.
Happy birthday, IP!
Re: lipstick: Um, usually women going to a formal thing wear makeup, and part of that is lipstick. WTF? (This is part of why I don’t go to formal things, too much hassle.)
Re: clovergender: go fuck yourselves, 4 chan and Schrkreli (I don’t care enough to spell his name right) and everyone else who decided this would be funny. Go fuck yourselves with a moldy cactus.
Yay!
“Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli Suspended From Twitter After Harassing A Teen Vogue Writer
“He’s an entitled creep and absolutely deserves to have his account suspended —perhaps indefinitely,” writer Lauren Duca said.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/davidmack/martin-shkreli-suspended-from-twitter?utm_term=.ocZg0joBPD#.qrmNgvopB3
And here I thought I couldn’t find Shkreli even more loathesome than I already did.
@LindsayIrene
You might want to check this guy’s site out. I found him when I was trying to find the rest of a particularly obscure murder ballad I saw mentioned in a reprint of a column from the 40s. I was unsuccessful.
@ Dalillama
I ordered his book.
@Kupo;
Yeah, I can really see it in the second one, in hindsight. I thought there was something off about it, but I was more focused on the text and didn’t analyze the feeling like I should have.
The first one is just a line by Ross O’Donovan from Game Grumps, and I don’t think the artist was trying to mock him. Most of the fan art of Ross looks similar, as that is his body type, and that is one of lines that he’s most famous for. I really can see what you’re saying though, since he’s a skinny guy wearing a pink shirt. Shoot.
Please have this picture of a cute kitten with marshmallows, on me. I’ll try to be more careful next time.
@Lord Pabu
It’s hard to tell where marshmallow leaves off and kitten begins.
Adorable!
@Lord Pabu
Yeah, no worries. On the first one I wouldn’t have noticed if not for the second one, but my interpretation was that the joke was that the kid pictured has no visible muscle tone. Maybe my interpretation was off.
That marshmallow kitten is either saying “No – you go on without me! You must finish the quest!”
Or…
oh, I lost it. I kept looking at the kitten’s little pink toes and my mind went blank.
The kitten is saying: “Shhh. You’ve said enough.”
Re : clovergender
Yeah it makes no sense. Idiots create a fake “gender identity” without understanding what gender is or means. Nothing new here. Besides, a move like that, intended to hurt trans and non-binary people by equating them to pedophiles ? Fuck that’s like, the millionth time, just quit it already.
I mean, seriously. I was about to go to sleep so, naturally, high off my face, but even then and without looking at the Snopes takedown itself I was like “YE GODS, LOOK AT ALL DAT STOOPID !”
Also, that “Proud2exist” person ? That 2 could as well be a reversed S and I’m pretty sure that was intentional. Pro-tip, shitlords : don’t leave a giant signature on your already fragile-as-fuck hoax.
The best part is how they be all like “hur hur hur it worked we totally trolled those SJWs”.
On the topic of testicles can I just be grossed out a bit at the way my lead seems to want to call attention to the fact that he had a vasectomy over the weekend? Like, just say you had minor surgery or something if someone asks why you’re walking slowly. No one needs to hear about your testicles. Repeatedly. And knowing him I’ll have to hear about his balls at least 3 more times today.
Update on lead testicles: when explaining it to the rest of the team, he just says he had minor surgery and doesn’t go into any detail. So on the plus side, I probably won’t have to hear about his testicles all day, but he might still refer to surgery pain knowing I’m the only one who knows what that means. On the minus side, wtf? Why am I singled out for this knowledge?
@Kupo
The answer that immediately occurs to me is that he wants you, specifically, to know about his boner status.
I was scrolling up and saw this comment first; I initially interpreted it as metallic lead, and wondered if this was some alternate constructions based on ‘brass balls’ or the like.
@Dali
Well, either that or he just likes me to do all his emotional labor for him. He likes to use me for free therapy because at one point we started to become friends and I don’t think he’s realized I don’t want him as a friend anymore (lots of reasons, but mainly his politics).
@kupo
How creepy is this guy normally? Could it be a mistake, or does he normally overshare with you?
@PoM
He’s not usually creepy, but he likes to talk a lot about himself and things that interest him. For example, last week he asked if I play Magic: The Gathering and even after I said I haven’t played in at least 15 years he still spent 20 minutes talking about it.
He talks a lot about parenting with me, including joking that it’s my “turn” to get pregnant (even though he knows I’m undecided), telling me I shouldn’t have kids (because if I’m undecided I’d be a horrible parent, am I right?), and how he’s not sure if it’s worth it to have kids (he has two, and whenever he says that I feel awful for them). I think he’s decided since I don’t have kids he needs to share all his experiences with me so I can be informed or something?
You can’t make this shit up. He just asked me what mansplaining means because he sees it a lot on the Internet (he asks me lots of questions about liberal politics), then, unprompted, mansplained to me about how not all the interactions I’ve had at this company where men condescended to me were because of my gender, and that some of it was because I’m less experienced. Like, he totally glossed over the part where I explained that it usually refers to when the woman actually knows more about the subject and decides to tell me what my experience has been. And I never said anything about thinking I’ve been mansplained to, he just immediately jumped into that after I gave him the definition.
Oh my gosh kupo, that sounds horrid. He’s pretty clearly decided that you’re going to be his emotional crutch. That’s no fun at all :C
@kupo: I’m sorry you had to go through that, that sounds exhausting.
@everyone who riffed on that awful listsicle, thank you! I enjoyed reading those, and knowing that I wasn’t the only person horrified by the idea that men and women are both monoliths that only need 10 short things to have the perfect relationship. Or how to be sexy without trying.
That idea has always creeped me out a little. As an example, I was gardening in my backyard last year and the guys in the house behind me were making kissing noises and calling out in a language I didn’t understand.
I’m gardening here. I *have* to bend over to friggin’ weed, and now I’m really conscious of how I do it, so I’m not directly showing them my butt. I sort of go into an awkward squat or just sit on the ground, now.
I was telling this story to a guy friend and was insisting “I’m just gardening!!!” and he was all “wellllllll” and i’m like “OH COME ON I’m covered in dirt and weeds, how is this sexy?”
Also my friend has never gardened with me again after that. Also there is no way to block their view and get privacy. Also they just sort of hang out at the window all the time, and smoke and talk on their phone…? Also apparently they bother one of my room mates far more than I, possibly because she’s a little less assertive and I yelled at them that I was going to call the cops while waving my phone around. Though I don’t know what I would say… :B
I JUST WANT TO WEED. I hate doing it so much, and they don’t make it any easier…(Think of all the home made salsa, and this year I’m going to make MARROW RUM!!!)