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← Open Thread for Non-Personal Stuff: Feb 2016 You Can Do It Edition
Paul Elam attacks Christina Hoff Sommers as a “crypto-misandric privilege-seeking gender parasite.” →

Hot dead chick reveals dark female secrets to Return of Kings, including the dog stuff

 February 21, 2016
  · 180 Comments
Watch out boy she'll chew you up

Watch out boy she’ll chew you up

Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.

Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,

It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.

Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway. 

Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are

looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.

Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:

Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us. 

And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,

then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)

Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.

Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.

But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,

Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].

Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.

And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.

Brace yourself.

Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.

That is,

many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …

I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.

Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and

Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.

This was on Return of Kings.

Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!

Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.

NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.

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Posted in: bad boys, creepy, evil sexy ladies, facepalm, gullibility, has possibly never spoken to a woman, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, PUA, red pill, return of kings, rhymes with roosh
← Open Thread for Non-Personal Stuff: Feb 2016 You Can Do It Edition
Paul Elam attacks Christina Hoff Sommers as a “crypto-misandric privilege-seeking gender parasite.” →

Comments

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  1. Jenny says:
    February 22, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Each one of us can write to Mary Honeyball, who is European parliamentary, and wants to finally ban Roosh and his army of fanatics that is terrorizing women for over 10 years now, from travelling:

    Serial rapist Daryush Valizadeh, known on social media as Roosh V, has been accused of being “pro-rape” after advocating legalising rape on private premises as a means of reducing rape.

    He has also been publically condemed for his 15 self-published books, which include titles such as “30 Bangs”, and YouTube videos giving advice to men on how to have sex with women.

    Roosh V declares himself “the most hated man in the world”

    Reply
  2. Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their) says:
    February 22, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    @EJ

    This is why math isn’t real and should be abandoned.

    Reply
  3. dlouwe says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    @Alan,

    Yeah, that’s generally the easiest one to grasp, as people do fairly intuitively understand how fractions work.

    My best method for getting rid of that “tiny little bit left over” is to ask “What is 0.99′ subtracted from 1?” Or “What number is bigger than 0.99′ and smaller than 1?” Since I’m unable to intuit a nonzero answer, my intuition will finally surrender to the maths.

    @EJ

    Gods, I used to take solace in the idea that the number of integers was just a “bigger infinity” than the number of even integers. What am I supposed to do with my life now??

    Reply
  4. Alan Robertshaw says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    @ Dlouwe

    Funnily enough that’s the one that sets me off the other way. I envisage an answer along the lines of 0.0000………infinity………..01.

    Reply
  5. EJ (The Other One) says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    @dlouwe:
    There are indeed bigger and smaller infinities. We use aleph-numbers to denote them. For example, the set of all real numbers is larger than the set of all integers: it’s aleph-one* rather than aleph-zero.

    If it helps, picture it as a dimensional thing. The number of integers is like an infinitely long line: it’s infinite, yes, but only in one dimension. By contrast, the number of real numbers is like an infinitely large piece of paper: it’s infinite in length and in breadth. They’re both infinite but one is infinite in more dimensions than the other, ergo larger.

    You can have higher orders of infinity than aleph-one, which you can think of as being larger in the same way that three-dimensional stuff is larger than two-dimensional, and so on. There are, in fact, infinitely many orders of infinity.

    You’re going to ask me whether there are aleph-zero orders of infinity or whether it’s a larger infinity, and I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that.

    —–

    *We think this is true. The set of all real numbers might be larger than aleph-one. It’s something that mathematicians are working on. Solving it ties into the Axiom of Choice, which is… look, ask a real mathematician. I’m just a humble physicist.

    Reply
  6. dlouwe says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    @EJ

    Yes, that actually makes a lot of sense. Basically in order for an infinite set to be considered “bigger” than another, it needs to be on a whole other order of magnitude, yeah? So while the total number of integers is intuitively “twice” the number of even integers, it’s not an appreciable difference, since they both “grow” at the same rate.

    Reply
  7. EJ (The Other One) says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    @dlouwe:
    That’s a good way of putting it, yes.

    Reply
  8. Moggie says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    msexceptiontotherule:

    I should probably kick you in the shins for the mental image I’ve got of goat-aliens-with-tentacles-that-have-suckers-for-wall-clinging. I just *know* it’s going to be the sort of thing I’ll have nightmares about.

    Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!

    Reply
  9. Alan Robertshaw says:
    February 22, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    “One, two, many” is good enough for my dog so it’s good enough for me.

    Reply
  10. msexceptiontotherule says:
    February 22, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    @Skiriki

    For why? What did Katie ever do to you!?
    Can you maybe put it on a mug? Or a mouse pad? You know…because if I’m going to have nightmares about an alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing I should at least be able to get something useful like a new mouse pad emblazoned with the image. And the s/o might faint at seeing it, which means I won’t be the only one in this household having nightmares about the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing. This would make me feel infinitely better about the situation. 😛

    @Moggie

    Oh no you don’t. There will be no forests/woods or evil black goats. Don’t you go there, and don’t make me go there either. I’ve got enough to worry about with the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing as it is!

    Reply
  11. Grace says:
    February 22, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    EJ: I’m going to assume you’ve already heard “Banned from Aleph”, but just in case…

    Reply
  12. Orion says:
    February 22, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    Did anyone else have the problem I had with Monty Hall? I saw right away that it was best to switch, but I expected a 50% win rate, not 66%.

    Reply
  13. EJ (The Other One) says:
    February 22, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    That’s magnificent. Thanks Grace, I hadn’t heard it before!

    Reply
  14. Harri Karri says:
    February 22, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Screwing the dog? I thought the manosphere insults were solely about fat ladies who lived with 20 cats.

    Reply
  15. kupo says:
    February 22, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    @Orion
    That’s the same as I figure. We’ve only seen one choice, so if we remove that I see the remaining choices as being 50/50. But I know the math proves otherwise, so I accept it.

    Reply
  16. Skiriki says:
    February 22, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    msexceptiontotherule:

    For why? What did Katie ever do to you!?

    Do we capricious and malicious feeeeee-males need a reason? 😉

    Can you maybe put it on a mug? Or a mouse pad?

    Absolutely! Or a calendar or wallpaper or…

    You know…because if I’m going to have nightmares about an alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing I should at least be able to get something useful like a new mouse pad emblazoned with the image. And the s/o might faint at seeing it, which means I won’t be the only one in this household having nightmares about the alien-goat-hybrid-tentacled-freaky-thing. This would make me feel infinitely better about the situation. 😀

    Procrastination for the win, here we go, opening my software… expect results later. 😛

    Reply
  17. Skiriki says:
    February 22, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    Oh hey, before rendering engines are go, rumor mill says Heartiste got banned and Adam Baldwin left Twitter in a huff.

    Reply
  18. kupo says:
    February 22, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    @Skiriki
    Oh, I bet Baldwin’s flounce was entertaining.

    Reply
  19. Skiriki says:
    February 23, 2016 at 12:56 am

    kupo:
    If you can believe this, yes, yes it is.

    https://twitter.com/2dAmMuslim/status/701983537210245120

    Let’s hope he’ll head to Quitter instead.

    https://twitter.com/randileeharper/status/701955062906515456

    Oh.

    Reply
  20. Kat says:
    February 23, 2016 at 3:45 am

    @Ashara Payne

    Put simply, the human brain cannot comprehend infinity.

    Contemplate? Yes.
    Comprehend? No.

    Reply
  21. GenJones says:
    February 23, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Let’s be real though, dogs make much better people than these human skidmarks.

    Reply
  22. Skiriki says:
    February 23, 2016 at 9:48 am

    msexceptiontotherule (and everyone else):

    I have found a picture to prove my hypothesis of goats and tentacles, so wander over here:

    http://skiriki.deviantart.com/art/The-Secret-Lives-Of-Goats-592615131

    My evidence is just as strong as manuresphere memes! See? I was right, even if I had to make a pic myself to prove it!

    Feel free to do whatever you like with it.

    Reply
  23. otrame says:
    February 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

    @Skiriki

    I am new here, and this may be a frequently used word, but I love “manuresphere”. It’s…appropriate.

    Reply
  24. Skiriki says:
    February 23, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    otrame: Isn’t it so? Of course, downside is that manure is actually useful and can be quite healthy basis for things to grow. On the other hand, weeds also love it, as well as all kinds of toxic plants as well… and tetanus loves anaerobic environment and is often found from horseshit, so maybe it is apt.

    Reply
  25. Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their) says:
    February 23, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    Am I the only one seeing Ashara Payne’s comment as the latest one, no matter how many comments are posted after it?

    Reply
  26. Matt says:
    February 23, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    Shorter RoK: “Don’t worry, furry readers! You are not alone, this deceased hot chick we totes didn’t make up is into dog-mongling TOO!”

    Reply
  27. Dalillama says:
    February 23, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    @ Imaginary Petal
    I also see that.

    Reply
  28. EJ (The Other One) says:
    February 23, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    I see it too. Ashara also uses the now-disabled “reply” function to posts sometimes, so I think she might be using a WordPress client with some interesting quirks.

    Reply
    • Ashara Payne says:
      February 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Hmm, odd.
      I’m just using an iPhone and Safari. Once I’ve commented for the first time, I tend to just read emails and reply from there.

      Reply
  29. Ashara Payne says:
    February 22, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    Not really. Put simply, the human brain cannot comprehend infinity.
    Much like quantum mechanics.

    Reply
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