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This amazing Bollywood dance number about Internet Creepers will totally Qawwali your world! Yes I know that makes no sense, and that Qawwali is not a verb. I’m trying to write a clickbait headline here!

 October 27, 2015
  · 41 Comments

As some of you long-time readers know, I’m a giant fan of Bollywood music (mostly old-school 60s and 70s stuff). And I’m also fascinated by internet creepers.

Who knew that one great taste and one terrible taste … taste great together? In the video above, two women (with help and backup singing from their respective posses) compete to see whose Internet creeper is the creepiest.

Though the song is in Hindi, with occasional detours into English, I think most of you English-speaking non-Hindi-knowers will have no trouble grasping, at least in a general way, what’s going on.

The video isn’t perfect; it’s an ad for a dating site, and gets a little victim-blamey at the very end. But otherwise it’s pretty much awesome. (I mean, unless there’s something horrible going on in the Hindi lyrics that I don’t know about.)

The person who put me on to this video also alerted me to another awesome video in a rather different genre. So here it is as well.

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Posted in: awesome, creep-shaming, creepy, YouTube
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Comments

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  1. skepticalscopi says:
    October 27, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    It’s basically Choli Ke Peeche from Khalnayak, if it were performed sitting down.

    Reply
  2. Heina says:
    October 27, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Here’s my rough translation/transcript for your pleasure.

    Context: Qawwali showdown between two women arrayed in traditional attire, one in a white-skirted outfit and one in a Mint-skirted one, each with her respective posse

    White Skirt: *vocalization in traditional qawwali style*
    Master [term of respect for expert teachers] Zuckerberg
    when he invented Facebook

    White Skirt’s Drummer: Goodbye, Orkut

    White Skirt: there was one thing
    he forgot to mention
    that in every inbox has
    not one, but two folders
    In one, there will be messages from friends
    and in the other folder
    there will be creeps

    Team Mint Skirt: What’s the word?

    White Skirt: I looked at the other folder
    couldn’t believe my eyes
    50 whole messages
    from all the pervert guys
    I opened the first message
    It was a revelation
    *reading creep’s message* “hey thr u lukn gr8”

    Team White Skirt: 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 exclamation!

    White Skirt: Hey, naive child

    Team White Skirt: Hey, naive child

    White Skirt: Who the hell are you?

    Team White Skirt: Who are you?
    Who are you?
    Who are you?

    Another Team White Skirt Member: Come on, hang on, he’s typing.

    Creep: “oh beb ur relly kewt..
    come on over here to handsum..8) 8)”

    Team White Skirt: ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO
    ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO
    ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO
    ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO

    White Skirt: Oh, after reading my other folder
    it occurred to me.

    Team White Skirt: After reading my other folder
    it occurred to me
    On the Internet
    oh, on the Internet
    there are no shortage of [wannabe] lovers
    There is no creep creepier than my creep
    There is no creep creepier than my creep
    There is no creep creepier than my creep

    Mint Skirt: *vocalization in traditional qawwali style bleeds into first word*
    Actually your creep
    isn’t even a legit creep
    For my wedding he is someone
    my mom would like to meet [i.e. he is prospective suiter vetted by parents]

    Team White Skirt: Oooh, what a burn! [i.e. we’ve been pwned]
    They’ve burnt us, by God

    Mint Skirt: I came home in the evening
    after a long day at work

    Team White Skirt: Oh really? [i.e. please continue]

    Mint Skirt: Below my building
    that jerk was standing

    Team White Skirt: Hm? [i.e. is that right?]

    Mint Skirt: The next day, he was there
    He was there, pretending to be a watchman [security guard]

    Team White Skirt: What?

    Mint Skirt: He was there, pretending to be a liftman [elevator operator]

    Team White Skirt: No!

    Mint Skirt: Morning, evening, night
    he was there

    Team White Skirt: Haww! [no way]

    Mint Skirt: The other day, he brought a pizza
    Said something really shady [sketchy]

    Team Mint Skirt: Really shady, really shady
    What he said was *continue chanting “really shady” in the background*

    Mint Skirt: I deliver your pizza

    Team Mint Skirt: Will you deliver my baby?
    Will you deliver my baby?

    Mint Skirt: Oh, your creep is on Facebook
    and nowhere else
    I can bet you my creep is hidden
    somewhere right here
    In my neighborhood
    In my neighborhood
    there is no shortage of [wannabe] lovers

    Team Mint Skirt: There is no creep creepier than my creep
    There is no creep creepier than my creep
    There is no creep creepier than my creep

    White Skirt: Oh, there is no creep creepier than my creep

    Mint Skirt: There is no creep creepier than my creep

    White Skirt: My creep has cut off the nerves in his hand.

    Mint Skirt: My creep has destroyed his hand.

    White Skirt: He made our wedding cards.

    Mint Skirt: He has named our children.

    White Skirt: My creep sent me his pic on Whatsapp.

    Mint Skirt: My creep sent me his dick on Whatsapp.

    White Skirt: He tags me in his photos.

    Mint Skirt: He also tags me in his photos.

    White Skirt: His profile pic is an expensive car.

    Mint Skirt: His profile pic is also an expensive car.

    White Skirt: My creep lovingly calls me “bulbul” [i.e. “sexy” or “honey”, literally “nightingale”]

    Mint Skirt: My creep also lovingly calls me “bulbul” [i.e. “sexy” or “honey”, literally “nightingale”]

    White Skirt: Does your creep’s name start with an “S”?

    Mint Skirt: Does your creep’s surname start with a “K”?

    White Skirt: Suresh?

    Mint Skirt: Kumar?

    Everyone: In this world
    In this world
    In this world there is no shortage of [wannabe] lovers
    There is no creep creepier than our creep [x5]

    Reply
  3. David Futrelle says:
    October 27, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Heina, thanks so much! Could I put this in the post, with credit to you?

    Reply
  4. scalyllama says:
    October 27, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    @Heina

    OMFG that’s epic, I love it! Thanks so much for the translation 🙂

    Reply
  5. mewfington catmouth iii says:
    October 27, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    the never-ending internet creepshow always astonishes me every single time it rolls into my orbit. let’s run with this facebook thing for a second:

    i remember female friends of mine, as well as ladies whose pages i follow, almost always attracting at least one random guy to their photos who hits on them with absolutely dreadful grammar. sometimes, the shitty english is due to the person being from another country. other times, i think they’re either drunk or they’re addicted to snorting gold bond.

    it’s truly amazing how you can damn near set your watch to it every single time. it happens on my friends’ vines and youtube channels, as well, and god help them if they ever accidentally fart or show their feet at some point, because it immediately becomes about ten times worse.

    Reply
  6. dhag85 says:
    October 27, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    @Heina

    Thanks! That’s hilarious. 🙂

    Also, you’re awesome in general.

    Reply
  7. Moggie says:
    October 27, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    White Skirt is terrific! Shweta Prasad? She sings “ROFL LMAO” with such conviction!

    Reply
  8. Argenti Aertheri says:
    October 27, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Thank you for the translation Heina!

    Reply
  9. bluecatbabe says:
    October 27, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    That was superb. Thank you so much for this – and Heina for the translation: awesome.

    Reply
  10. Funkula says:
    October 27, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    I need a looping gif of the ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO part so bad.

    Reply
  11. freemage says:
    October 27, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Heina: Many thanks for that translation! And yes, David, this was funny as hell.

    Reminds me of a song I’ve been wanting to hear from the other side, as it were–Shut Up and Dance With Me. It isn’t overtly offensive, but every time I hear it, I picture a woman in a club who just wants to have a dance or two and go home, while this guy in the club keeps trying to turn it into the two of them being destined to be together, mapping out their future, and so on (and right from the start assuming this is going to lead to them sleeping together).

    Link to the lyrics in case a better parodist than I among us wants a crack at it:

    https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tyxfswbfenjijtybu6ur2juaqju?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics

    Reply
  12. rugbyyogi says:
    October 27, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    A joy I watched it before spotting Heina’s translation, which just made it even better. Brilliant!

    Reply
  13. Paradoxical Intention says:
    October 27, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    Thanks for the translation, Heina! I could somewhat figure out what was going on, but knowing what was being said helps. 😀

    Nothing like ladies bonding over creepers.

    Reply
  14. Ire says:
    October 27, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    @Funkula I need that gif too, I need it SO MUCH

    Reply
  15. pkayden says:
    October 27, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Echoing the thanks to Heina for the translation.

    Reply
  16. theladyzombie says:
    October 27, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    I don’t get a chance to watch much Bollywood. Is it common for occasional English words to be used in Hindi songs like that?

    Reply
  17. A.A. Wils says:
    October 27, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    I love Bollywood!! And this–this was awesome!

    Except for the victim blaming at the end. Not quite understanding how the woman in the green skirt could have prevented the offline stalking by a creeptastic creep by being “careful” online. But, whatever. The video and song itself rocks!

    Reply
  18. weirwoodtreehugger says:
    October 27, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Somebody posted about this series in one of the open threads a month or two ago and I thought since we’re talking about something awesome from India I’d bring it back up. It’s a really great series and all four episodes are out now.
    https://youtu.be/8NgvxN9RJSg

    It’s about a casually misogynistic guy who does all the standard MRA whines about how good women have it and how hard men have it. After getting stood up for a date he wishes he could be treated like women are or something along those lines. The wish comes true and he wakes up in a world where gender roles are completely reversed.

    Reply
  19. Kat says:
    October 27, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    David, that was hilarious.

    Heina, thanks for that translation.

    MRAs are going to take this verrry personally. ROFL, ROLF, ROFL, LMAO!

    Reply
  20. chronically lurki says:
    October 27, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    Shut Up and Dance is actually about the WOMAN asking the man to shut up and dance.

    Which is not any better per se, but even then the lyrics are mostly the guy saying “damn, this woman really wants me to dance and I’m lovin’ it”.

    Reply
  21. Bina says:
    October 27, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    I just blogged that role-reversal video.

    Also, what is that fantastic shade of hot pink lipstick they’re wearing in the Facebook creeper one?

    Reply
  22. Leda Atomica says:
    October 27, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    Thank you so much for this! I’m also a Bollywood fan and this was excellent.

    @WWTH – I know what I’ll be doing for the rest of the night.

    @Heina – you’re a legend.

    Reply
  23. tov01 says:
    October 27, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    I know everyone’s excited about the Bollywood video, but I for one can’t stop watching that dog train video.

    Reply
  24. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever) says:
    October 27, 2015 at 11:10 pm

    @Heina

    Thank you for the translation! 😀

    @WWTH

    And thank you for the series rec.

    Today is a good day for vids.

    Reply
  25. AnAndrejaPejicBlog (@A_Pejic_Blog) says:
    October 28, 2015 at 12:37 am

    I has giffed.

    Reply
  26. Kat says:
    October 28, 2015 at 1:21 am

    @WWTH
    Thanks for the terrific Indian video, “Man’s World.”

    It reminds me of “All That Glitters,” a Norman Lear role reversal 1970s sitcom. Women still are the ones who give birth; they are also the ones with all the power. Gary Sandy (who later starred in “WKRP”) plays a put-upon secretary who tries to use his sexuality to get ahead. The show lasted only a couple of months.

    Reply
  27. thealterblog says:
    October 28, 2015 at 1:27 am

    Awesome stuff! But a little context here – this is not Bollywood by a stretch. No Bollywood producer would dare put that song in a movie. It is a spoof video by a comedy group called AIB that regularly churns out YouTube videos with biting satire on current issues.

    Their video on victim blaming titled “It’s your fault” went viral a couple years ago; highly recommend you watch it.

    In the real world, these guys ran into trouble over a Roast they had for some popular Bollywood actors. The prudish Indian society could not stomach the idea of insult comedy.

    Reply
  28. marinerachel says:
    October 28, 2015 at 2:31 am

    That gif is going to be ridiculously handy.

    Reply
  29. EJ (The Other One) says:
    October 28, 2015 at 2:51 am

    Thank you, AndrejaPejic.

    Reply
  30. Snowberry says:
    October 28, 2015 at 5:08 am

    On the “Man’s World” video, I laughed probably harder than I should have at “McDonna”.

    I’ve seen that sort of thing before… but I don’t think gender-role reversal stories would be all that effective. I mean, it could help with those rare people who were spoonfed sexist views and mostly believe them because they never had any real reason to believe otherwise, yet subconsciously aren’t entirely comfortable with them. But the kind of people who really need to change would dismiss it with “of course the guy is uncomfortable, that’s not men’s natural role” or something similar. Then again, I really don’t know what would work, if anything. So I suppose even a little bit is better than nothing.

    Reply
  31. Nazrala says:
    October 28, 2015 at 7:54 am

    http://www.breitbart.com/tech/2015/10/27/the-movement-to-force-young-women-into-tech/

    Is this of any value? Was thinking about the common TRP complain that women chooses gender studies instead of tech.

    Reply
  32. maghavan says:
    October 28, 2015 at 8:20 am

    Mr Futrelle,

    If your intention was to right “clickbait” then I’m sorry to say that you are still need a lot more practice.

    Here is an example that you could learn from.

    Reply
  33. Leda Atomica says:
    October 28, 2015 at 8:42 am

    McDonna was funny!

    Reading the comments was not.

    Reply
  34. friendly reader says:
    October 28, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    The “date wisely” comment at the end can’t be separated from the next screen, where the website promises “verified users” to try to weed out “creeps.” Yeah, obviously a stronger message of “it’s not your fault” and less “creeps are inevitable” would be better, but the meaning isn’t “how dare you call those creeps on yourself!” but rather “let us take care of the creeps for you.”

    Still, though, this is the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internet in a long while, thank you so much!

    Reply
  35. plotlemmingvictim says:
    October 28, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    @WWTH Now I must to delurk to share something your video reminded me of. There’s an adorable short story that Sarah Rees Brennan wrote a while back that snowballed into a full-length one call “Turn of the Story” (masterpost link: http://sarahreesbrennan.com/2014/10/the-turn-of-the-story-master-post-plus-new-story/). One of the characters is part of an elven society where men are the fairer sex. An example:

    “If you wish to tell me I will be happy to hear your secret,” said Serene. “I vow not to mock at you and never to tell anyone the object of your tender maidenly affections, not even if they torture me. A true gentleman’s heart is as sacred as a temple, and as easily crushed as a flower.”

    Reply
  36. Crip Dyke says:
    October 29, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    Watched without reading the translation. I’m happy to say that I got all important concepts and even a few of the less-obvious ones somehow passed into my brain despite my ignorance of Hindi languages (though I wasn’t certain my interpretation was correct until Heina came through for us all; also, I’m only assuming this was a Hindi-family language, if I’m wrong please correct me). I think this says something awesome about the power of body language, dance (interpretive dance?), and Bollywood specifically.

    I was going to use this space to second Funkula’s call for a gif, but by the time I got here I was days too late: AnAndrejaPejicBlog has gif-gifted us all. Thanks ever so, AnAndrejaPejicBlog!

    Reply
  37. freemage says:
    October 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    chronically lurki | October 27, 2015 at 8:13 pm
    Shut Up and Dance is actually about the WOMAN asking the man to shut up and dance.

    Which is not any better per se, but even then the lyrics are mostly the guy saying “damn, this woman really wants me to dance and I’m lovin’ it”.

    I realize it’s the woman saying the key phrase. My point is that he then takes that fact and runs with it to the land of “this woman is my destiny” and “bound to be together”–ie, he’s a classic Club Creeper who fails to understand that a dance is often just a dance. In this interpretation, I’m assuming the ‘shut up’ portion is her responding to his pick-up lines and attempts at ‘romancing’ her.

    Reply
  38. Virtually Out of Touch says:
    October 29, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    Somehow I missed this! But yeah, traveled in that region. Don’t even get me started. It triggers me, for real.

    Reply
  39. Virtually Out of Touch says:
    October 30, 2015 at 1:29 am

    David, this one’s for you

    Reply
  40. Virtually Out of Touch says:
    October 30, 2015 at 1:36 am

    And this… OMG…. LOL!

    Reply
  41. GardenGallivant says:
    October 31, 2015 at 12:43 am

    An alternate ROFL gif
    ?resize=388%2C231

    ?resize=480%2C270

    Found these here
    http://boingboing.net/2015/10/26/creep-qawwali-hilarious-music.html

    Reply

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