|They want your sperm.|
Remember that scene in Dr. Strangelove in which General Jack D. Ripper starts ranting about a “international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids?” Gen. Ripper, of course, was worried about the purported evils of fluoridation. Also, he was a fictional character. But now the “manosphere” has done him one better. A recent post on the Muslim Patriarch blog suggests, with utmost sincerity, that women never truly love men — they just love our most precious bodily fluid. Sperm.
Yep. Fellas, apparently we’re nothing but giant sperm repositories to the ladies. So what evidence has the Muslim Patriarch, aka Samvel Arshavir, got for his novel theory? He claims that his wife seems to treat him worst after the two of them have sex, when his “sperm reserves” are largely depleted. (Emphasis added.)
On the days immediately following an ejaculation, my wife loses all love and respect for me. She treats me like garbage. … I used to think that I have done something wrong for her to so suddenly lose all love for me. …
When I finally understood what was going on, when I understood that it all depended on the amount of sperm stored inside of me, I saw the humor in this love that everyone talks about. … Her love is just a way that nature tells me I have a lot of sperm in my reserves.
Arshavir notes that he hasn’t exactly done the scientific experimentation to prove his new theory. But he has made some careful observations:
My idea of ‘sperm reserve’ isn’t related to anything that scientists say. It is something I have found with experience. If you ejaculate twice or more in one day, the next day your reserves will be around 10%. Women have two terms for this level: douche bag and loser. On day 2 your reserves will go up to 25%. Day 3 they will be at 40%. Day 4 at 50%. As your levels pass 50%, women will start respecting you and finding you attractive. At around two to three weeks of abstinence your levels will have gone to 90%. And when you get a wet dream … you can then know that your levels reached 100%. The night before the wet dream you will be at your most irresistible-to-women phase.
As a former horny teenage boy, I respectfully must disagree with some of his calculations here: the male body seems capable of producing almost endless quantities of sperm upon demand.
But this is a question for the scientists amongst us to debate. Arshavir has bigger fish to fry. His revelations about ladies and sperm have led him to question some of the most fundamental tenets of heterosexual love.
When I have 10 days worth of sperm saved inside of me, when my wife wants to make love to me three times a day, it doesn’t any longer make me feel good about myself, because I now see that it is not an accomplishment. It is not because I am an awesome guy. It is just her animal nature responding to my biology.
This knowledge has freed me from the biggest fraud of our age. The fraud that tells us men to seek happiness in a woman’s love. What a joke.
Ah, but there is a complication here. Unlike sperm-loving women, Arshavir argues, men still can feel love for the ladies. True love, not just crude ovary lust. The only trouble is that those sperm-loving creatures don’t really deserve our love.
Ours is the spiritual love for another being. Theirs is the love for our biology. Their love for our sperm reserves could have easily been a love for big muscles. In both cases it is a purely physical love–nothing that deserves our spiritual love.
So where can a poor fellow find true love today? Dudes.
And I now realize why men like W. S. Maugham become homosexual after delving deep into the nature of women. Once you know that romantic love doesn’t make sense to women … the next logical step is to find a man to love.
If you look for true love, you can only find it in another man.
Wait — “another man?” Seriously? That sounds a little — what’s the word I’m looking for here? — gay. Isn’t this blog titled “Muslim Patriarch?” But don’t worry. Our intrepid patriarchal blogger hasn’t gone all gay on us. He is quick to add the obligatory “NO HOMO,” in the parlance of our times. Love other men, but just do it in a totally non-gay way.
The idea of having sex with another man is utterly disgusting to me. The mistake of men like Maugham is that they fail to separate love from sex. …
The correct thing to do as I see it is to save our deep, romantic and spiritual feelings of love for male friends, while maintaining sexual relationships with women. …
Apparently, men are from Mars, women are for penis.
[A] man’s romantic love is completely wasted on women. … Had you used your love on another man, you’d have gotten a loving friend for life. With a woman, no matter how much love you spend on her, her love for you will be no more than your sperm-reserve levels. …
A healthy culture would have taught us men to love other men, and would have taught us not to take women seriously.
This man’s wife is lucky indeed.
EDIT: More on ladies and their sperm-love here.